How to Get a Job (and More) with Joe and Dan

Business Opportunity

2011-12-09T09:12:00.000-08:00

If you're lucky, job offers will come to you!
____________________________________

FROM: MR.MARK DOUGLAS.
Victoria-Island, Lagos.

Dear Signorelli,

I will like to solicit your help in a business proposition, I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one worried and apprehensive but I am assuring you not to worry, as all will be well at the end of this endeavor.

View attached letter for details.

Regard,

Mark Douglas
____________________________________

We're always up for a new business opportunity. Let's do it!

joe and dan
____________________________________

Dear Joe, I received your email with thanks. Please view attached email for details.

Regards,
Mark
____________________________________

Hi Mark,

We are unable to download your attachment. Could you just explain to me in an email what we could do to help?

Thanks,

joe and dan
____________________________________

Dear Joe, How are doing today? Please kindly let me know you and my email and reconfirm if you are still interested in assisting with this transaction as time is of great importance.

I await your reply.
Mark
____________________________________

Dearest Mark.

We are doing well today, thank you. Our team is winning their football game and the weather is lovely.

We are still very interested. What do we need to do to help? Keep in mind we will be out of the apartment from 1:00pm-3:00pm cst today getting sandwiches.

Thanks,
joe and dan
____________________________________

Dear Joe,

I received your email with thanks. Hope you had a nice weekend?

The lawyer I nominated to work on your behalf in this matter as your local representative down here to ensure this transaction is concluded in accordance with the law, has agreed to commence immediate legal job in the bank immediately he receives your particulars such as: full name, complete address, occupation, age, company name if any, and your private and telephone numbers for easy,also your data will be used to obtain some vital documents from the bank that will back up your claim on the funds as the rightful beneficiary and a close relative to the deceased person.
Rest assured all modalities has been perfectly worked out to ensure hitch free transaction and smooth remittance of the total funds into your designated bank account once the bank has approved the release of the funds in your favor.

I await the afore-mentioned particulars to enable forward it to the lawyer so that we can proceed further with this transaction as time is of the essence.

Regards,
Mark
____________________________________

Dearest Mark,

Thank you for thanking me for our email. It was sent with your welcomes.

We did have a nice weekend. Even though our football team lost (stupid Missouri Tigers!), the weather was a crisp 70 degrees and we were able to get out and ride a bike a bit. We went about 5 miles (probably more like 4.7, but don't tell). We were having trouble with my bike getting flat tires, but that seemed to have stopped. Strange, huh?

We also got to eat at a pretty fancy restaurant. A little more expensive than we usually care to pay, but sometimes you have to treat yourself!

We'd be happy to provide you with the information you requested, but we have a couple questions. First, what is a "private number"? Is this a number for my privates? Do you compare the number of our privates to the number of the deceased's privates to make sure we're related? Second, what is the lawyer's name? WeI would prefer it be Roger.

Thanks for your help, We're getting excited about this transaction!!

Sincerely,

joe and dan
____________________________________

Hi Mark,

Are we still on for this? Sorry it took so long to get back to you, we were doing stuff.

Later,
joe

Response to Cover Letter - Depends

2010-07-27T10:39:00.000-07:00

Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Sometimes the job you apply for has already been "filled" (That's a pun because one fills a Depends with poo and pee).

Subject: Unfrequently Asked Question

Dear Joe And Dan,

Thanks for your e-mail to Kimberly-Clark.

Your may be interested to know we have introduced colored DEPEND® underwear for men and women. The four new variety packs include six colored and printed underwear in one package: solid and striped patterns for men; pastel solids and floral for women. The packaging has a transparent product window resembling a multi-pack of traditional underwear. Product design in terms of absorbent placement, leg shape, improved waistband, etc. is all the same. The new printed color is the only difference vs. current DEPEND underwear. It is available in two sizes for Women - Small/Medium and Large - both Extra Absorbency and in two sizes for Men - Small/Medium and Large/XL - Super Plus Absorbency.

Thank you again for sharing your comments with us.

Tracy
Consumer Services, Kimberly-Clark Corp.
Lead the world in essentials for a better life.

Response to Cover Letter - Karate Instructors

2010-07-25T20:27:00.000-07:00

Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Sometimes people have you pegged ahead of time.

James xxxx to me:

Are you high?

Response to Cover Letter - Mr. Bubble

2010-07-25T19:59:00.000-07:00

Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Sometimes you get free stuff!

Just for taking the time to send that enthusiastic email, I'd be happy to send you two some free Mr. Bubble t-shirts. What sizes would you need and where would you like them sent?

Best Regards,

Jenna xxxxxx

Be sure to properly thank them however.

Dear Jenna,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) thank you for your generous offer. This way we won't have to become Mr. Bubbles through dangerous eating habits and dangerous pigment augmentation procedures. We can just wear the shirts!

We would like an L (which stands for Large) and an M (which stands for Medium. Not the television show mind you, but the somewhat abstract unit of measure.)

If anyone asks about our shirts, we will read them our 15 minute speech we have prepared in case we actually do become the next Mr. Bubble. We feel this is a great start.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Cover Letter - Scientists

2010-07-09T15:00:00.000-07:00

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) are into beakers and all that shit. So we should be scientists. We can perform experiments where we bunsen burn things, all the while making sure to wear our protective goggles. Was Kurt Rambis a scientist too?

Do you need something examined at 5x the size? Well guess what, it's already on a glass slide (with slide cover applied ever so gently) and being examined at 10x. That's twice as much detail as you had hoped for. What up.

Gregor Mendel. Gene splicing. RNA. The Scientific Method. Polarization. Acids/Bases. These are all examples of things we have heard of. Want more? Jonas Salk, Fruit flies with red eyes. Bam.

We will not dissect gross stuff however.

Our first order of business will be to grow a Pea Tree in a petri dish. Think of the wordplay!

Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Learn from my Interview Mistakes: ODB

2010-07-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

Quote in Question: "There's no more ODB no more. No, there's no more Osiris, that's all lies. From now on, my name is Big Baby Jesus.

First, let's just get past the bad grammar (ish). The main problem is all of the name changes! I am constantly having to update my resume, then make the long haul down to Kinko's to get new ones printed out. Not to mention when I get calls regarding jobs I interviewed for as Osiris, I have to explain to some lady named Madge, who's probably wearing a sweater with a picture of her cat on it, that my name is now something other than that.

Plus the whole Jesus thing.

CUL8R ALIG8R,

odb, o, bbj

Learn From My Interview Mistakes: Mike Tyson

2009-12-15T14:45:00.000-08:00

Quote in Question: "I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.”

-*Sigh*

Try, Try Again,
Iron Mike

Cover Letter - Writers For House

2009-12-09T13:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Doctor House,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to write episodes for your hit TV show "Doctor House". Both of us have lived in houses (the singular being "house"-like you and your show) and have been to the doctor. One of us went for getting a penny stuck in their ear and one of us went for drinking too much Shasta. We can't tell you which due to patient-doctor confidentiality. But one of us is another Wild Cherry away from a trip to the county E.R. if you know what we're sayin. Transition. Here is an example of an episode we wrote.

Someone passes out from an illness
Dr. House - "I say we do this"
Everyone - "We're not on board despite you being right everytime"
People try different things
Thing House suggested is the correct thing
Dr. House "Smart alec comment"
A song by The Who

We can start whenever.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

P.S. Don't steal our idea.

Cover Letter - Dictionary Writers

2009-12-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

Greetings Webster,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) both love words. We use them almost every day! We love the writing in your book, especially the definitions for the words beginning with “R” (whoever wrote about rhubarb deserves a Pulitzer). We also are very good at making up our own words (see if you can pick them out in this letter). Ever since we have been alive, the dictionary has not contilled any longer. Have your writers prostigated a case of writers’ block? Well we haven’t. Just the other day, we came up with 45 new words (granted we have decided that 13 are Spanish). Soon we also hope to put meanings and pronunciations to the words. After we are hired we can work on definitions for our gallump of words with one of your “R” writers.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Joedanilly yours,

Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Response To Cover Letter - Dictionary Writers

2009-12-01T07:11:00.000-08:00

Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Even people as awesome and good looking as us don't get every job we apply for.

From: Kory L. Sxxx
Subject: Re: We would like a job
To: "Joe and Dan Signorelli"
Date: Friday, January 16, 2009, 8:37 AM

Dear Bros. Signorelli:

Thank you for your e-mail and your interest in Merriam-Webster. We appreciate your tireless efforts to use words daily and thereby keep us in business.

You may be saddened to learn that the work of a dictionary editor is not in creating new words, but rather in recording the use of new words as they appear in edited, printed prose. Believe it or not, the dictionary has indeed grown over the years--we add anywhere from 50-100 words every year, not counting the full revisions that add thousands of new words, and that is just a fraction of the new words we have evidence for. But it looks like you are looking for employment on the wrong side of this "new word" schtick. Two fine neologists such as yourselves would do the English language the most amount of good out in the wild, where your coinages will be heard and passed along. Though our editors are creative, intelligent, and remarkably good-looking, they are still but "harmless drudges," as Samuel Johnson put it a few hundred years ago, resigned to a career of recording other people's witticisms. You can read about the defining process at www.Merriam-Webster.com/help/faq/word_in.htm.

That said, if you wish to apply for an editorial job with us, please send a cover letter and résumé to:

Stephen J. Pxxx
Merriam-Webster, Inc.
PO Box xxx
Springfield MA 01102

Thanks again for writing, and I will pass your compliments along to the editors who worked on "rhubarb."

Cordially,
Kory Sxxx, Associate Editor
Merriam-Webster, Inc.

www.Merriam-Webster.com
www.wordcentral.com
www.Merriam-WebsterUnabridged.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The jury's in on our new premium Web site! You be the judge with a 14-day free trial--examine the evidence at www.Merriam-WebsterCollegiate.com today!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cover Letter - Mr. Bubble

2009-11-29T20:32:00.000-08:00

To the estate of Mr. Bubble,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) were very sorry to hear about the passing of Mister Bubble. He was a great man type thing. But here's the good news; (or :, not sure) two new awesome spokespeople are available: (or ;, not sure) us.

We are both roundish and pinkish. With some work and pizza, we can get ourselves to the precise amount of round and pink required. Or you could look at this as a chance to go in a new direction with some more human looking mascots, in which case we fit the bill almost immediately. Or we could dress up in one of those two person horse costumes. Let your imagination run wild.

Two weeks prior to us starting as the new mascots for your product we would request you send us some of your product as we have run out of soap.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Mr. Bubble during happier times

Omegle Job Search

2009-11-27T20:14:00.000-08:00

You might get lucky:

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey.
You: hi, we're looking for a job, you hiring?
Stranger: no....
Stranger: actually yes
Stranger: i have a resturant
Stranger: that needs some good workers.
You: cool. cooks or out front.
Stranger: uhm.. both really
You: we're willing to travel
Stranger: where do u live?
You: chicago
You: where's the restaurant?
Stranger: alabama.
You: birmingham?
Stranger: yes.
You: well fantastic. we can start in 8 hours
Stranger: im sure ur kidding.
You: not entirely
You: we would need to find a place and pack
Stranger: u dont even know the resturant.
Stranger: ...
You: they're pretty much all the same
Stranger: not really....
Stranger: theres a lot of resturants in alabama.
You: what like 14?
You: is it a don pablo's?
Stranger: no..
Stranger: i never heard of itt.
You: we just thought it would be impressive if we could guess it
Stranger: are u saying that alabama is small or something?
You: it was already narrowed down to birmingham
Stranger: well its not in birmingham
Stranger: its near birmingham.
You: let's go to the tape...
You: You: birmingham? Stranger: yes.
Stranger: i know.
Stranger: i dont want u to know where the resturant is
Stranger: u could be so dangeerous man.
Stranger: best buys hiring.
Stranger: try there.
You: the one in birmingham?
Stranger: no.
You: Vestavia Hills?
Stranger: no?
Stranger: whats that?
You: a birmingham suburb
You: now it is WE that are skeptical of YOU sir
Stranger: im not a freaking SIR.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Learn From My Interview Mistakes: ODB

2009-11-22T23:21:00.000-08:00

Quote in Question: "Lookin' for new girls to put babies in."

When asked about your future plans, I've learned it's best to keep your answers work-related. Though I believe it is important to reiterate that I am family-oriented during an interview (it's always family before work with me), it was not the correct time to express this. Focus on your future with the company with which you are currently interviewing. Also I learned that it is beneficial to consider the gender of your your interviewer.

Happy Hunting, Big Baby Jesus

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - Mike Tyson

2009-11-21T23:06:00.000-08:00

Quote in Question: "I'm on the Zoloft to keep from killing y'all."

-I thought that it would be good to be proactive and let my interviewer know that I wouldn't kill him. However he seemed to find it alarming that I would even bring the issue up.

-Michael

Job Board

2009-11-18T14:49:00.000-08:00

Decent fictional job - Undead truck driver akin to Large Marge

He's Terrible

2009-11-18T14:48:00.001-08:00

If your job is a college football announcer, you should be able to speak #BobGriese

Something for Weightlifters to Wear at Home

2009-11-18T14:46:00.000-08:00

The Snuggie Design Series combines the Snuggie with Zubaz to create the perfect storm of horrible things to wrap your body in.

I Have Your Number Too, Papa John

2009-11-18T14:45:00.000-08:00

How can "Better Ingredients, Better Pizza" be a way of life? It can't be, that's how Papa John.

Another Bad School

2009-11-18T14:44:00.000-08:00

Instead of buying Video Professor take our lesson on ebay. Log on, buy something, wait for it to be sent. Done.

Bad School

2009-11-18T14:43:00.002-08:00

Not really sure one can get a fulfilling career from a place called UTI. http://tinyurl.com/mqc35f

Job Board

2009-11-18T14:43:00.001-08:00

The best career move one can make seems to be to MLB pitchers switching from the American to the National League #JohnSmoltz

You Big Dummy

2009-11-18T14:41:00.002-08:00

At some point that kid has to either get a job or stop wasting his rollover minutes. Learn your lesson for cripes sake.

Job Board

2009-11-18T14:41:00.001-08:00

Fictional great job - Malibu Sands summer lifeguard for the softened Papa Bear Carosi

Job Board

2009-11-18T14:39:00.000-08:00

Theoretical Great Job - Merry-Go-Round Tester, although it ultimately goes nowhere. #rimshot

Job Board

2009-09-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

Easy Job: TBS programming director. Mix reruns of Family Guy, the Office, and Sex and the City with some crap Tyler Perry presents. Repeat.

Complaint Letter - MTV

2009-09-17T10:54:00.000-07:00

Dear MTV,

Please start the new season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge "The Ruins" now.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Job Board

2009-07-21T16:58:00.001-07:00

f you're one of those musicians on the Subway commercials, time to find a new career, because you're terrible.

Job Board

2009-07-15T23:28:00.000-07:00

Difficult job - Chien Ming Wang's translator/sugarcoater. "No really Chien, sucky is a compliment in english."

Job Board

2009-07-13T13:57:00.001-07:00

Job that should exist - Person who makes television commercial volumes the same.

Repost in Memorium - Cover Letter - News Anchors

2009-07-08T10:11:00.000-07:00

Cover Letter
2:00 pm, 12/29

Hello,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have recently become aware of the departure of Paul Majors. We could not help but notice that this will of course leave a prestigious opening for the position of anchorman at your station. We would like to volunteer our services. Both of us frequently read articles on cnn.com, and we have a pretty good idea of what is going on. We also have a stunning tag-team dynamic, not seen since the comedy stylings of Abbott and Costello (though I might add we are a little easier on the eyes!). Whilst reporting the news, we will make the ladies swoon, much the way Paul Majors did. We do not claim to be Paul Majors, as those are awfully big shoes to fill. But keep in mind that we are two people, and can both use two feet to fill just one shoe each. In closing, here is an example of our reporting:

"Michael Jackson is in legal trouble again!"
"That's right, Joe."

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

___________________________

Reply
2:05 pm, 12/29

Thanks for the offer! I think we'll stick with our new anchor team for now, but we'll let you know if they need a break.

Take care,
Jen Mxxxx
KARE11 News

Cover Letter - Reality Show Contestants: The Fearmaster

2009-07-06T22:43:00.000-07:00

Original Job Posting:

Reply to: xxx@xxx.com
Date: 2009-06-25, 1:49PM CDT

Do you have a debilitating phobia that's holding you back from leading a normal life? Have you been searching for a way to eliminate a phobia, anxiety, or fear about a specific situation? Over 6 million Americans suffer from some sort of irrational fear - but help is on the way! ___ ___ Entertainment is casting for a pilot featuring one of the world’s most successful phobia specialists, ___ Duncan - aka The Fear Master – who has cured hundreds of people of their phobias. ___ Duncan is a legally licensed phobia specialist from Birmingham, England, who is certified to practice the following techniques:
• Time Line Therapy
• Hypnosis
• Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)

If you are between the ages of 21 and 45 and are ready to conquer your phobia and start enjoying a life free of fear, please email: xxx@xxx.com
________________________________________
Cover Letter:

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have a debilitating fear that is affecting (or effecting - never figured that one out. Like the difference between who and whom. We also think whom should be spelled whoom, because the way it is spelled it should be pronounced whaum. Why don't the same rules apply to whom as they does to wham? I bet Andrew Ridgeley wish he kept his wagon hitched to George Michael, despite all the recent shenanigans. But we digress) us.

Now this is very uncomfortable to speak about, but here it goes. Neither of us can urinate anywhere close to someone else. What started out as simple stage fright has grown into full blown phobia. We used to have a roommate, but eventually could not relieve ourselves knowing they were in the same apartment. The idea that there is someone in the next apartment over makes it tough sometimes. And forget going to a ballgame, the troughs are like staring down the aluminum, urine soaked barrel of a shotgun.

Please help us Mr. Duncan! We don't need to be able to whip it out and go onstage at the Chicago Theater or anything, but would like to not have to waste money on cabs home from work everytime we have too much Shasta.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Job Board

2009-07-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

If you are unable to program your digital converter box, don't bother looking for jobs, the world has passed you by.

Cover Letter - Shoulder Models

2009-07-01T23:17:00.000-07:00

Original Job Post:

Shoulder Models needed for MD Course July 18th (Hotel Sax Chicago)

Reply to: xxx@xxx.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Date: 2009-06-27, 7:50AM CDT

The 2009 Chicago Shoulder Ultrasound Course will be on Saturday July 18th at the Hotel Sax in Chicago. We need models with normal shoulders AND models with known rotator cuff tears (by MRI scan) to be part of our shoulder training lab from 12:30 to 3:30. Models will only have to sit in a chair for 3 hours and let doctors ultrasound their shoulder. Ultrasound is noninvasive and painfree and there is no radiation. Our course website is www.shouldersono.com Please respond with any questions, CV and picture if available.

Thanks

Course Director

Location: Hotel Sax Chicago
Compensation: $100 cash for 3 hours
This is a part-time job.
This is at a non-profit organization.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

____________________________________________________

Cover Letter:

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would love to the responsibility of being your models. While we have not had rotator cuff surgery, we do have impressive shoulders, as shown in the attached picture. Should you tell us we would be able to shoulder the responsibility of this job, we would pull our car to the shoulder of the road in the City of Big Shoulders and celebrate being shoulder models. Here are three things we can do with our shoulders:

1. Throw a baseball as far as 23 feet or grapes into mouth

2. Passive aggressively shoulder check jerks

3. Model of course!!!

Please don't give us the cold shoulder.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours in shoulder,

Daniel L. Signorelli

Joseph R. Signorelli

shoulder.jpg27K

View Download

________________________________

Reply to Cover Letter:

Hi,

all of the shoulder model spots are filled,

thanks

Don

________________________________

Reply to Reply:

That news make our shoulder look like this!

Job Board

2009-06-17T22:51:00.000-07:00

Theoretical Job - College dorm/apartment smell origin finder.

Job Board

2009-06-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

If you are a 63 year old pitcher with mechanics issues, the White Sox have a place in their rotation for you. #Jose Contreras

Cover Letter - Football Player

2009-06-16T19:22:00.000-07:00

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to play your "football". Although we are not particlarily good at the sport we figure the world owes us something.

We were watching the European Cup and thinking, we wouldn't do this football, but we should do that football. The Super Bowl looks pretty easy to do and couldn't help but notice neither team scores many points. We would score more points than the other team each time, therefore guaranteeing victory. Why someone else hasn't thought of this we don't know but since we did we call dibs. Plus if we get injured we look forward to riding on those carts, but that won't likely happen - since there are two of us one can run with the ball while the other blocks.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

P.S. Where did those leather helmets go? Those were pretty sharp and you could see our movie star good looks (((Like Clooney in Leatherheads (Though the movie sucked, could it have been from the leather helmets?(Maybe the leather helmets aren't a good idea. Sorry.))).

P.P.S. Whatever happened to Mike Baab?

Career Advice

2009-06-16T13:26:00.000-07:00

If you're bad at your job, you can improve by marrying someone who's good at said job. Mandy Moore, looking in your direction.

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - Mike Tyson

2009-06-16T13:17:00.000-07:00

Quote in Question: "You have to understand, Frank Bruno would not have been champion if I had not been in prison. Oliver McCall would not have been champion if I had not been in prison. A lot of these guys would not have been champion. Michael Moorer would not have been champion. Those guys would not have been champion if I had been around. They would have had no legacy. None of those guys would have had a legacy."

-Best not to mention the fact you went to prison a half dozen times in your interview. Nuts.

Mike.

Omegle Job Search

2009-06-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

You might get lucky...

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hi, we're looking for a job, are you hiring?
Stranger: no
You: Really?
Stranger: you are so humours
You: Thanks.
You: Could we use our humours for work?
Stranger: you are sack of money?
You: We wish we were a sack of money
You: we would like a sack of money
Stranger: i like money too
Stranger: humours is verygood for work
You: how can we use humours for money though?
Stranger: get on well with your boss
Stranger: humours can get it moving
You: moving in the right direction we hope
Stranger: thats ture
Stranger: maybe he will fire you
You: he hasn't even hired us yet!
Stranger: you can beg for that
You: we don't know where to start
Stranger: introduce your self
You: that's what we're trying to do
Stranger: do not be shy
Stranger: have you watched he moive <>
You: no
You: who's in it
Stranger: I dont know the actors name
You: are you in it?
Stranger: are you kidding me?
You: we don't know who you are.
Stranger: of crouse
You: you could be wilford brimley for all we know
You: are you wilford brimley?
Stranger: I dont know
You: do you like quaker oats?
You: and have diabetes?
You: but pronounce it diabeetis?
Stranger: ys
You: then you probably are wilford brimley
You: hello wilford.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Cover Letter - Mad TV Writers

2009-06-08T22:36:00.000-07:00

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) enjoy your show almost too much. Whether it's a guy speaking with a high pitched voice, or a woman speaking with a low pitched voice, the hilarity never ceases. We would like to get in on the fun as writers. We offer these ideas to get the ball rolling.

Chimpanzee Esquire - Monkey Lawyer
The Honorable Rufus - Dog Judge
Officer Gas - The policeman who arrests people with his farts.
Man Baby - Older guy pretending to be a baby
Man Toddler - Older guy pretending to be a kindergartner
Man Teenager - Same as the movie "17 Again" or "Big" or "Vice Versa" or "Freaky Friday"
Man Man - Musical act

And don't think we don't have some slightly irrelavent parodies up our sleeves:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Butt-tron - A reverse aging robot shaped like a rump.
Suddenly Cruisen - Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields switch places.
Adoptin' Ain't (a) Peach - Madonna be tryin to get them kids!
Fro Jay Simpson - OJ Simpson tending to his afro.
The Curious Case of Elian Gonzales - Remember that kid? What if he aged backwards?
Jay Leno impressions

If that's not enough to insatiably whet your appetite, read the following part in a high pitched british accent.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Advice

2009-06-08T22:15:00.001-07:00

Unemployment can be a great time to catch up on reading - if you're a nerd.

Job Board

2009-06-08T22:12:00.001-07:00

Theoretical Great Job - Inventor/tester of new ice cream floats.

Job Board

2009-06-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

Were you a communications major? If so get used to playing the lottery.

Job Board

2009-06-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

Theoretical great job - Chuck E Cheese ball pit tester

Job Board

2009-06-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

If you can stand in the middle of an intersection and yell at people for crossing when the light says walk, Chicago TMA is for you!

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - Mike Tyson

2009-06-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

Quote in Question: "All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too."

The interviewer didn't like this much (despite being named Greenberg, go figure). I didn't even say I would beat Jesus. But if he cut in line at Quizzno's or something, I'm just sayin' a guy has to defend his honor, son of God or not.

Yours,
Mike

Cover Letter - Joke Writers for MTV Awards

2009-06-02T22:52:00.000-07:00

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) think we could write some pretty good jokes for one of your awards shows. Here is a sample of our work.

Joe: "Did you hear the one about Green Day"
Dan: "No"
Joe: "It's like every other Green Day joke I've told, except I told it more recently, and am older when I tell it."

Anything else will cost you.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Finding a Job With Omegle

2009-05-27T23:08:00.000-07:00

You might get lucky:

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: We're looking for a job, do you have anything available?
Stranger: 잠시만
You: Pardon?
Stranger: 안녕
Stranger: 하세요
Stranger: 헤이
You: Ok, we can get you references by next week
Stranger: what
Stranger: ?
Stranger: What's weird
You: Excuse me
Stranger: yes
You: We were just guessing at what you wrote
Stranger: may
Stranger: I
Stranger: help
Stranger: you?
You: yes, we would like a job.
Stranger: 모래요
Stranger: 무슨
Stranger: 말인지
Stranger: 몰르겠어요
You: Is that Chinese or wingdings
Stranger: What kind people?
You: Yes those people are nice
You: So would you like us to come in and interview in person?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Finding a Job With Omegle

2009-05-21T23:15:00.000-07:00

You might get lucky:

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: You hiring?
You:we assure you we're qualified
Stranger: What?
You: we're looking for a job, are you hiring?
You: we do good work
Stranger: I am not the boss ^_^
You: could you put in a good word for us?
You: last job we worked at we got a lot of "atta boy"s
Stranger: I'm a foreigner
You: that's all relative to where we are.
You: or are you in the band?
You: you foreign to the u.s.?
Stranger: I am a student
Stranger: sorry
You: no problem.
You: could you hire us in your home country, it's tough with visas over here.
You: or we could tutor you.
Stranger: I'm so sorry
You: what are you studying, we'll show you we know the subject matter.
Stranger: But I do not have money to pay wages- -!
You: that is troubling.
You: we could work for food and stolen forks from the cafeteria
Stranger: Fuel you will find a good job of
You: Pardon?
Stranger: bay
You: inlet
Stranger: see you
You: catch you on the flip flop home slice
Stranger: i'm so sorry
Stranger: bye
Stranger: bye
Stranger: ok?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - Mike Tyson

2009-05-21T22:15:00.000-07:00

Quote in Question: "One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard."

-What started out as a touching childhood story, turned a bit violent. I should have just ended by saying that I was sad or something. Oh and dude, wouldn't you know the interviewer's kid had downs syndrome. Awwwwwkward.

Find a Job With Omegle

2009-05-21T22:06:00.000-07:00

You might get lucky:

Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey
You: hi
You: you hiring?
You: we need a job
Stranger: where are you from?
You: chicago, but we're willing to travel
Stranger: great bulls
You: yeah we tried out for them, but they wouldn't hire us
You: not even for aaron gray's spot

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Resume tip

2009-05-20T06:55:00.000-07:00

If you went to Duke, keep it to yourself. At best you'll be thought a prick. At worst a huge prick.

Resume tip

2009-05-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

Attach a completed medium difficulty sudoku. Shows you're good with numbers but not a show-off.

Response to Cover Letter - Radio Hosts

2009-05-20T06:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Daniel and Joseph:

Thank you very much for giving us the opportunity to consider you for employment. Your qualifications are impressive; however, we do not have any openings that would fit with your background and experience at this time. Your resume will be kept on file for future reference.

We wish you well in locating the opportunity you desire. Thank you again for your time and interest in pursuing employment with Clear Channel.

Sincerely,
Jennifer Smith
Clear Channel Communications, Inc.

Finding a Job With Omegle

2009-05-18T23:40:00.000-07:00

You might get lucky:

Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: hey
Stranger: hi
You: we're looking for a job, are you hiring?
Stranger: haha
Stranger: where are u?
You: chicago, but we're willing to travel
Stranger: what kind of job are you lookin for?
You: anything. what do you have available?
Stranger: are u a man?
You: physically, but we're scared of the dark and spiders

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Finding a Job With Omegle

2009-05-18T23:35:00.000-07:00

You might get lucky:

Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with.
Hang on.You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: We're here to find a job
Stranger: lulz
Stranger: How's that work?
You: Can you hire us?
Stranger: I assume you're looking for a job with money and right now I can tell you that I have about 10 pounds in 2 pence pieces that I'd be willing to give you per chore accomplished
You: what's 2 pence, about 40 dollars?
Stranger: I believe the exchange rate is 1 US Dollar to 1.98 English Pounds
Stranger: So 2 pence would be about.... 3.96 US cents
You: yeah, we're not too good with the metric system
Stranger: That's unfortunate, as you appear to be no good with the monetary system as well.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - Mike Tyson

2009-05-11T08:02:00.000-07:00

Quote in Question: "I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."

-When talking about killing people in an interview, try and keep it specific. It is less threatening toward your interviewer to let him know that you don't intend to kill him. I should have mentioned why I wanted to kill Lenox (scratched my Lilo & Stitch dvd) as that would make it understandable. But then I started to speak in generalities, and I fear I came across as a bit boorish.

TTFN,
Iron Mike

Resume tip

2009-05-10T22:37:00.000-07:00

If you went to Indiana U, keep it to yourself. A 1-17 Big Ten record is simply not cut out for the corporate world.

Job Seeker Q&A

2009-05-10T22:35:00.000-07:00

Q:
@JoeAndDanOnJobs Another question.Per the job interview, is there such a thing as being TOO personal?Case in point:http://tinyurl.com/bsbsxk

A:
@KtHollis No, as long as you learn your lesson
http://joeanddan.blogspot.com/2009/02/learn-from-my-interview-mistakes-odb.html

Interview tip

2009-05-10T22:32:00.001-07:00

Make sure you bring a magazine. Those things can get booooring. We prefer Highlights.

Job Seeker Q&A

2009-05-10T22:17:00.000-07:00

Q:
KtHollis@JoeAndDanOnJobs What are your feelings on bringing a crossbow to a job interview? Yes, no, maybe so?

A:
@KtHollis it seemed to work for nick cage in "the weatherman" so probably a good idea. (note:we nor anyone else has seen "the weatherman")

Interview Tip

2009-05-10T21:12:00.000-07:00

When it comes to bringing weapons to an interview, we prefer to leave the guns at home. We usually feel more stabby afterward

(We'll post old twitters here so you don't miss out on any pointed insights)

Cover Letter - The Menards Guy

2009-05-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Menard,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) notice you don't see the Menards Guy much anymore. We hope he didn't get eaten by a shark while kite surfing! But in that eventuality, it's a perfect time to go for younger, hipper spokespeople (us). We're like that Mac Guy, but since there are two of us, we would be 4 times as good (2^2). We often talk to people we don't know about home improvement items. On the train the other day, we told a guy he could get an 8 foot ladder for the price of a 6 foot ladder. And we believe there is a good chance that he went to get a ladder after he finished beating us up.

Here are some examples of how the commercials could go with two people instead of one.
Joe: How much is this plywood?
Dan: 15 dollars a sheet.
or
Joe: This plywood is 15 dollars a sheet.
Dan: Wow!
or
Joe and Dan: Plywood is 15 dollars a sheet.

We can talk about things other than plywood if that's what you would like.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Complaint Letter - Laffy Taffy

2009-04-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Laffy Taffy,

Your jokes have been a little weak lately. Please make them a minimum 35% more funny. Also, the cherry is a little too tangy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Response to Complaint Letter - Toaster Strudel

2009-04-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Signorellis:

Thank you for contacting Pillsbury. Your comments are important to us. We are committed to making a difference in the lives of our consumers. Feedback such as yours is important to the nature of our business. We appreciate your loyalty and the time you took to contact us. Please be assured that we will share your thoughts with the appropriate individuals.

Sincerely, Jeremy Xxxxx

Consumer Services

Response to Complaint Letter - Outburst

2009-04-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

Subject: New Card Needed

Discussion Thread Response

(Charlotte)04/22/2009 04:09 PMjoe,
Thank you for keeping us on our toes by challenging one of our questions from the Outburst game.
The Outburst game to which you refer is not currently in production. Unfortunately, we are unable to research individual challenges.
We appreciate your feedback and we will share your concerns with our marketing team, should they decide to include this question in a future edition.
Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We hope you and your family will enjoy our products for many years to come.

Cover Letter - Grape Stompers

2009-04-19T19:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Winery or France,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have large feet. And you know what they say, people with large feet can only be clowns. Well we think that this trait would also make us great grape stompers. We heard that some people wear snow shoes while stomping grapes. We feel that this is an outrage, along the lines of steroids in baseball. HIRE PEOPLE WITH NATURALLY LARGE FEET! This will make your product more respectable in most circles. We have never stomped multiple grapes at a time, but have practiced on single grapes and Arby's sauce packets. We are confident that we will be better than this lady.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - ODB

2009-04-16T10:53:00.000-07:00

Quote in Question: "Dirt McGirt comes from Dirt McGirt Island. It’s a place that’s right off the block from the next island off of Batman Island. I can’t let you know exactly where it is––it’s a secret, you know? Wonder Woman told me not to say nothing."

-You know how when you're away from home, and when someone asks you where you're from, you just say "Chicago" even though you're from a suburb of Chicago? I should have probably done something similar here. I now get why the Coneheads would simply say they were from France.

Laters,

Dirt McG

(FYI - sometimes I go by Dirt McGirt. If Samuel Clemens can do it, so can I)

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - Mike Tyson

2009-04-14T08:46:00.000-07:00

Quote in Question: "I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."

Be sure to stay on topic when asked a question. Somehow this ended up being my answer when I was asked about salary history.

- Mike :)

Cover Letter - Echo Guy for Cypress Hill

2009-04-05T23:21:00.000-07:00

Dear B-Real,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to take Sen-Dog's place as echo guy for Cypress Hill (CYPRESS HILL!!). While we appreciate Sen keeping us on top of such topics as when the sh** is currently or about to go down, we feel that since we are two people, we can make a more realistic echo effect (effect! EFFECT!). See how much better that is?

Let us know if you would like to see our rappin resume (resume, RESUME!)

Thank you for your time and consideration (consideration! CONSIDERATION!).
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Learn From My Interview Mistakes: Rickey Henderson

2009-04-05T21:33:00.001-07:00

Quote in Question: “This is Rickey calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants to play baseball.”

Be assertive, a prospective employer will be impressed. And Rickey's habit of speaking in the third person makes it sound like Rickey has a secretary named Rickey, making Rickey seem classy.

-Rickey

Complaint Letter - AMC

2009-03-17T20:01:00.000-07:00

Dear "American Movie Classics",

Tonight you are showing Quigley Down Under which is
a) Australian
b) Not Classic
Please update your name on my satellite guide to "Australian Movie Crap" or something similar.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Learn From My Interview Mistakes: Mike Tyson

2009-03-16T16:44:00.000-07:00

Quote in Question: "I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."

-In today's modern workplace, a woman may very well be your equal or even your boss. So you should address them as your equal, which surprisingly (to me) does not include invitations to fornicate.

Live and Learn,
Iron Mike

Cover Letter - Highlights Magazine

2009-03-04T22:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Highlights,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have enjoyed your magazine well into our late twenties. Be it the hidden pictures, "Ask Arizona", or crafts and science sections, we couldn't be more down. We mean we are all in. Exept for one little thing, "Goofus and Gallant".

Why must you glorify Goofus's behavior in your magazine? We feel he is one step away from Johnny Knoxville-esqe buffoonery. And that is not a message we want to send to our kids if they ever exist. So we propose that you change the name of the piece to "Gallant and Gallanter" and have it star us.

One panel could show one of us opening a door for and old woman. Pretty gallant right? Then the second panel could show one of us building a hurricane Katrina house with our bare hands. Gallanter. One panel shows one of us helping a lady across the street, Gallant; the next shows us striking a peace accord in the Gaza Strip, Gallanter. One panel shows one of us washing the dishes, Gallant; the next shows one of us off-loading passengers from a speeding bus rigged with a bomb, Gallanter. The message is much much stronger.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Complaint Letter - Cadbury Creme Eggs

2009-03-04T11:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Cadbury,

Your creme eggs are noticeably smaller than we remember. Please revise and send us new ones as we are still hungry.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Response to Cover Letter - Adult Diaper Designers

2009-02-25T09:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Joe and Dan,

Thank you for contacting Kimberly-Clark Corporation about your idea. We appreciate the opportunity to explain our policy for reviewing information on new opportunities.

POLICY:

Kimberly-Clark is very involved in the development and design of innovative products both internally and with external partners. Since we have our own advertising team and work with advertising agencies, we do not accept suggestions for the marketing, advertising, or promotion of our products, including suggestions related to artwork or product display, slogans, product names, or trademarks. To protect the efforts of employees and other partners with whom we are already engaged, Kimberly-Clark Corporation accepts for review only non-confidential business plans, products or technologies that are the subject of a patent or patent application, or ideas that relate to environmental subjects.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Non-confidential business plans or a copy of your complete patent can be forwarded to the address provided below.

If your idea is the subject of a patent application, please print the attached form, "Kimberly-Clark Corporation Policy for Reviewing Patent Applications," and return the signed original with a copy of your complete patent application and a copy of the relevant receipt or proof of application from the applicable Patent Office.

If your idea relates to an environmental subject, you can print the attached form, "Kimberly-Clark Corporation Policy for Reviewing Unsolicited Ideas," and return the signed original with a description, drawing, or sample of your idea. Please be aware that we cannot consider ideas that would duplicate the efforts of our manufacturing, business, and research groups who are continually working to make Kimberly-Clark's products even more environmentally friendly, such as:

* reduction or elimination of certain components (including packaging)
* a "drop-in" substitution of one material for another
* increased recycling or use of recycled materials

ADDRESS:
Kimberly-Clark Corporation
Dept: SGN
P.O. Box xxxx
Neenah, WI xxxxx-xxxx
U.S.A.

Without the appropriate documentation, your idea will not be reviewed. If the proper documentation has been provided, your material will be reviewed by our alliance and partnership team, and we will notify you of the outcome.

Thank you again for your interest in Kimberly-Clark Corporation. We appreciate your taking the time to contact us.

Ivy
Consumer Services
Kimberly-Clark Corp.
013026527A

Response to Cover Letter - Sumo Superstar

2009-02-24T11:32:00.000-08:00

Hi Joe and Daniel,
　
Thanks for your interest. I don't know of any sumo groups in your areas. Anyway, we will keep you posted on events, and if you have any specific questions, go ahead.
　
When you speak of doing sumo for a living, please be aware that he only professional sumo in the world is in Japan. Elsewhere, there is only amateur sumo.
　
Andrew
310-XXX-XXXX
http://www.usasumo.com

Cover Letter - Librarian

2009-02-11T12:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Nebbish Bookworm,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to be librarians. While we don't particularily enjoy books, we wear glasses and that seems to be the main criteria. And not only do we wear glasses, we can peer over the top of them in such a way that would make the most horseplayish youngsters stop playing horse. In addition to our glasses over-peering skills, we can both alternately say "shush" and "shhh" to people depending on what the case may warrant (in an emergency we are fully prepared to deploy a "pipe down!"). If we need to get someone's attention we can "pssst" with the best of them.

We are long time veterans of libraries, as we cut our teeth on the microfiche machine (seriously - don't stick your head in there). Here is the list of books we have read: Goodnight Moon (admittedly with some help), Mel Gibson's Biography, Kirby Puckett's biography, Us Weekly, Jeff Hostetler's Biography, The Instruction Book to the Game Rygar, and Infinate Jest.

We can alphabetize somewhat, only having to guess between L and R. And if you're wondering if we know the Dewey Decimal System, the answer is Dewey ever! We can also fit 15 grapes (green!) in our mouth which, while not entirely applicable, we feel is quite impressive and hope you do too.

See you in the book section under cool dude librarians!

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Everyday Heroes

2009-02-03T11:34:00.000-08:00

To the person doing this.....

You're hired.

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - ODB

2009-02-02T20:49:00.000-08:00

Quote in question: "Bitches want to f--- me when they smell my underarms!"

While the language is admittedly a little blue, this is a good testament to my remarkable charisma. So chalk this one up as just poorly worded.
CUL8R,
Osiris

Cover Letter - SuperSpy

2009-01-09T13:48:00.000-08:00

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) just got done watching Jason Bourne stick it to those CIA jerks again. We were hoping to become one of those jerks. Check out our qualifications and try not to have a top secret operation in your pants.

Things we are good at:
Running on top of moving trains
Swinging from ropes with knives in our mouths
Synchronizing watches
Romancing Eastern Bloc women
Hanging on to the roof of a moving car, as well as able to drive one handed while getting someone off the roof of our car
Spitting in peoples' faces as opposed to giving up the location of the microfilm
Can fly harrier jets/all helicopters
Know how to wear a wetsuit under a tuxedo
Fire a harpoon gun in a pinch
Jump out of a second story window onto the back of a horse
Own poison dart cufflinks
Hanging off tall building roofs with one hand so we don’t drop our gun/religious artifact
Spying
Listening to conversations from really far away
Drive backwards
Entering an airplane from the wing
Skydiving/bungee jumping sans the proper equipment
Holding our breath underwater
Shooting people who have big guns with small guns
Using Spy-Tech toys to see what our neighbors are watching on TV
Creating exploding messages

To get in touch with us, just TURN AROUND.

Sorry, we waited as long as we could, but were getting hungry. The effect would have been pretty boss though, don't you think?

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Cover Letter - Depends

2009-01-05T22:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Depends,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) think we could design a better adult diaper. We've noticed that they're all a similar size and absorbancy (not that we wear them). Now this is okay for babies, since they eat the same thing all the time, but what happens when it's taco night at the retirement home?

We would base our adult diaper line on what meal one has eaten that day. Think about it. If we someone else were to go out for a light salad at lunch, a comfortable cloth poo catcher would probably do. But should we that same person hit the indian buffet in uptown, one would probably want a minimum 10 mil visqueen liner in their doody recepticle.

And what are the fashion options? To answer our own question, none. The closest thing to a fun and flirty print you can get is teddy bears on the baby diapers (thank god we live close to wisconsin where the babies are fat enough we can fit their diapers). Why no colored or patterend adult diapers? We know we would be more inclined to poop into something that has a picture of one of the stars of Gossip Girl on them, or even a nice plaid.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Cover Letter - Entertainment Reporter

2008-12-10T20:54:00.001-08:00

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) enjoy celebrities more than regular people. These glitteratti (note we know the word 'glitteratti') look and smell better than common people, do charity work to help especially common people, and can move objects with their minds.

We would like to spend more time with famous people, and although we think it's nice to hire special needs children, we could do a much better job than Billy Bush. Here is a list of celebrities we have interacted with:

Vince Vaughn (in a bar)

Black guy from reno 911 (in a bar)

Shakira (the bushes outside her home)

Quddus (fist to face)

Ron Coomer (on an airplane (you don't know who Ron Coomer is? Really? (He was and All Star for the Twins in 1999)))

Here's an example of our red carpet reporting:
BRITNEY!BRITNEY!BRITNEY!BRITNEY!BRITNEY!
oh wait
ANGELINA!ANGELINA!ANGELINA!ANGELINA!
oh wait
JEN!JENNIFER!JENJENJENJEN!
Hi, who are you wearing?

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Daniel L. Signorelli

Joseph R. Signorelli

Just a Matter of Opinion, But I Wish You Were There

2008-07-18T23:17:00.000-07:00

This is a Tribute.

I had never seen a tribute band until tonight. I had seen my share of covers, even cover bands. Friends in high school and so forth. Not tonight. This was something different. Tonight at Ballydoyle's, an Irish pub in Downers Grove, a U2 tribute band rocked the house. I met some enthusiastic female PA students there, one of whom was celebrating her birthday.

Fake U2 blew up. Shredding such hits they didnt record as Sunday Bloody Sunday and Where the Streets Have No Name, the ladies were fully into the act. And act they did. Bono seemed larger than life on stage, until I saw the enormous lifts on his tennis shoes. Take a lesson from Prince, and just go with high heels. We were convinced Faux-Bono was wearing a wig, but no, that turned out to be his real hair. He changed hats frequently, which I found confusing, not sure if Faux-Bono, or for this particular matter, due to the stunning accuracy, actual Bono was going to rope cattle or sell me a box of Cuban cigars.

These were grown men, who apparently believe that Halloween is celebrated 365 days a year. They have chosen to revolve their lives around music. I respect that. But somehow these guys found a way to remove all creativity from the most expressive art that mankind has been developing over our entire existence. The dress, the notes, the squeeks, the 45 degree leg kicks, all borrowed from one of history's most overrated bands.

Beautiful Day won Record of the Year. Seriously. They beat N'Sync. Look it up.

Even Fake Edge (Fedge) had his Fedge cap, which was borrowed by the birthday girl for more than the promised one song. Fedge was not pleased.

Nonetheless, good times were had. Ladies danced (I restrained, feeling awkward at the prospect of having my stress be released by some dudes playing dress-up), and forgot for a couple hours that they were weighed down by the pace of graduate school.

Hoping that at any moment, these guys might actually turn into who they want them to be.

Oh my God I understand women now.

Triple Word Score

2008-07-01T16:21:00.001-07:00

"I was just testesing you."

Resume

2008-07-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

The resume can be an effective tool on how to show people what you do well. Just check out ours!

Joseph R. Signorelli
a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois
Daniel L. Signorelli
a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin

1978-1982 just Joseph R. Signorelli so not much happened
1982-1995 hung out and stuff
1995-present prolific writers of Family Circus Jeffy fan fiction

(references furnished upon request)

Study Skills

2008-06-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

Today in anatomy we learned about the boob, or as its called in Science, the 'breast.'

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - Ron Karkovice

2008-06-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

When I go to an interview, I find it helps to wear brightly colored shirts to distract from my face.

Good Luck,

Karko

It Could Be a Cryptoquip

2008-06-10T21:29:00.000-07:00

If I poked fun at the town where I go to school, locals might call me an "Out of Towner Downers Frowner."

Truth Behind the Magic Wiggle

2008-06-05T12:56:00.000-07:00

My old click-wheel iPod has been a pain the last year or so. About four times Ive had to take it to the Apple Store to get it fixed due to the sad iPod icon that comes up when I turned it on. Every time I take it in, some Genius Bar guy takes it in back for 30 seconds or so and comes out with the thing working again. I would inquire each time, only to have every Genius give me another cryptic answer, one even referring the technique as a "magic wiggle." Well guess what? Today I took it in again and learned just what is the magic wiggle. This Genius leaked the information that what they are doing back there is the default reset by holding down the top and middle button on the wheel, and while the iPod is resetting, slamminmg the iPod down on a counter. This apparently unscrambles its scrambled hard drive. You can see why they dont want to do this in full view of the public, but you could have told me, Geniuses. You could have told me.

Gatorade Tiger: Red Drive

2008-05-25T13:35:00.000-07:00

"What kind of color is red?
Red is a warning
A declaration
A color that says
I'm ready
To do what it takes.
Red is focused and driven
Because Red doesn't like
Second place.
So what kind of color is Red?
His kind
Red Drive
A crisp blend of
Cherry and citrus flavors
Inspired by Tiger
It's in Tiger Woods.
Is it in you?

Formulated for Tiger Woods"

So, am I allowed to drink it?

Text sent from Dan to Joe

2008-05-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

"In San Fran, just saw street performer robot child fall off box. Robot father broke character."

Sweet Merciful Crap

2008-04-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

Dear makers of "Made of Honor",

If the title of your movie has a pun in it, we just won't be seeing it*. It's that easy.

*the movie "spy hard" excepted of course

Cover Letter - MTV Programming Director

2008-04-28T21:18:00.000-07:00

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have noticed that all there is on MTV nowadays is that gosh darn America's Next Top Model. What happened to the kind of crap that we knew and loved? It's your lucky day because we will blow your mind with ideas for the kind of silly junk you used to have back when you were enjoyable.

I know you may be concerned that there will be far less insane women without all those insane models and insane Tyra Banks. Well we have a pretty good eye for crazies. Just look at our ex-girlfriends. Wakka wakka wakka. But seriously, we'll keep the goofballs on your channel.

Here are our fly ideas for new programs:

"The Lunchroom" (Just put a camera in a high school lunchroom and see if something happens. it wont, but were confident that with the usual media blitz and milking the extra special food fight episode for weeks, we can make people care (see: the hills).)

"The Toto Hour" (Everyone loves some Toto, although there probably be some repeats of "Africa" and "Rosanna")

"Boobs" (Lets just call these shows what they really are)

Also, here are some new ideas for True Life eps:

"I'm a white middle-class suburban male and there is in fact nothing terribly significant about me" (so relatable!)

"I have a terrible condition that we wont plan on solving, but we will find a way to turn it into entertainment." to be followed immediately by: "I have an extremely trivial problem but will react as if it's the worst problem any human has ever encountered".

"I'm a butler"

"I still like pogs" (Semi-Autobiographical (OK, totally Autobiographical))

"Parade of embarassing white people wearing tank tops, talking with accents from places that they're not from, and doing weird thing with their hands when they talk.

"If you steal any of our ideas without our permish (short for permission, of course), we will work you dog. WOHK YOU.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Cover Letter - Radio Host

2008-04-21T19:15:00.000-07:00

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) want to host our very own radio program. I know what you're thinking, why would two such dreamy hunks want to be on a non-visual medium? Simple. We want to become so big in radio that we will be scraping that Seacrest fellow off the bottoms of our shoes. Also, we don't need to be sent letters from artists and listeners to make a sappy dedication like that Casey Casem. We can just make 'em up on the spot. For example:

"Billy has been in the hospital for some time now fighting rickets. He says he wants us to play a song to make his mom feel better, because she has rickets too. Well Billy, we think we can help you. Here is Polka Medley, from Weird Al."

Here are some examples of sound drops we have accumulated:
-the "whhhoooooaaaah" noise when something sexy or controvertial goes down
-the "woo-woo" whistle when something sexy goes down
-sheep noise for celebrity gaffes
-a loud boing for a surprising moment
-benny hill theme for pretty much anything

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

We get it Usher, you like clubs

2008-04-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

Can we hate the song "Love in This Club" based just on the title? Yeah Yeah Yeah.

See what we did there?

Yes We Have More, Thank You

2008-04-10T11:31:00.000-07:00

I asked Grape Henderson if he had seen Hannah Montana on Idol Gives Back last night. Proclaiming his heterosexuality, he informed me that no, he had not. I had seen the performance on YouTube and found that removing the fog machines and huge stage lights makes her spastic movements really creepy. Grape asked if there were any particular hot Miley jams he should check out, and I of course told him about "See You Again." Oddly enough I dont find myself changing the station when that comes on the radio, and once found myself getting excited when I heard it back to back having switched from KDWB to KCLD. In the past Ive found myself looking up a couple performance clips on YouTube, solely because people were dishing out four figures to go see her, thus making Hannah Montana one of the top Billings in the county. Grape wondered if she had a nice butte, but was horrified to find out that she is 15 and that no, there is not a 90210 kind of thing where shes actually 25 going on here. He will go to Helena handbasket for this.

Fun Facts About the Signorelli Brothers

2008-04-09T13:48:00.000-07:00

Much like Chuck Norris, there are many "facts" going around about us. Here are a few of them..

- the signorelli brothers once read a book about pandas. they found it very informative.
- when the signorelli brothers are tired, they will often take a nap.
- do you like ice cream sundaes? so do the signorelli brothers! so you have that in common.
- when the signorelli brothers work out, occasionally they will use a spotter.
- favorite color? green. if it's not yours, that's cool.

Cover Letter - Robin

2008-04-06T16:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Bat Man,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) were wondering what happened to Robin? Can we be Robin?The only Robin right now is the one from the Gauntlet and we feel Robin is being represented poorly due to this. While Robin on the gauntlet is not respected by her more robust teammates (the guys and she-hulk evelen), Robin was respected by his counterpart (Batman) to the point of an uncomfortable male relationship. But with this lack of Robin, I fear Robin will take the mantle of what it means to be Robin.

We will restore Robin.

While we have no red breast (hehe) we have been known to dole out pink bellies to our enemies. A fine trait in a crime-fighting sidekick.

Being originally from Minnesota, we're used to not appearing until spring. Around the Twin Cities, people say "Ahh, the first Signorelli brother of spring", when we come out of our basement hibernation. Also instead of "April showers bring May flowers", people say "Signorelli brothers bring foxy ladies". This is based on the general rule that foxy ladies appear in May.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

P.S. We don't have to sleep in the same bed as Batman do we?
P.P.S. We would however be OK with sleeping in a Batman bed.

And What Give With No Zack Attack Music?

2008-04-06T15:25:00.000-07:00

The end credits of "Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Vegas" have to be the worst end credits in movie history don't they?