Cover Letter - Bartender

Dear bar,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) drink a lot. Like now, for example. Now meaning while we write this, not while you read this (but that's probably a safe bet too). The more we drink, the more we are convinced we could pretty much be the greatest bartenders in the world. And the most attractive. We had a brief stint in juggling (ended due to severe trauma involving a knife routine we weren't quite prepared for), which would lend itself to the flippy bottle tricks Tom Cruise used in one of those movies where his outrageous amount of gayness is so thinly veiled.

Recently we toured what we thought was a brewery. Actually it was just a candy factory (again), but we still really liked it. Did you know that root beer barrels won't get you drunk? 17 cavities later and we just figured that out.

We have been to 5 Milwaukee Brewers games. Albeit only one was at County Stadium or Miller Park. Who would want to go to Wisconsin?

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

In a Related Item

This guy

Ideally

KFed will claim Jamie Lynn's kid is his. KFed, JL, and her BF will go on Maury Povich. When Maury proclaims, "KFed, you ARE the father!" he will jump up on his chair and shout "POPOZAO!"

Every time I imagine this scenario I have a physical, giddy reaction.

Favorite Movies of 2007

Superbad

Favorite Songs of 2007

There was a winner, but here are the best of the rest

• The Magic Position - Patrick Wolf





• When I Say Go - The 1900s



(video is for a diff song)






• No Cars Go - Arcade Fire





• Phantom Limb - The Shins





• Can't Tell Me Nothin - Kanye West





• 1 2 3 4 - Feist





• Flathead - The Fratellis





• International Player's Anthem - UGK





• Is There a Ghost - Band of Horses





• Smokers Outside Hospital Doors - Editors





• Top Back (Remix) - Lil Wayne





• Bros - Panda Bear





• Throw Some D's (Remix) - Rich Boy





• Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me - The Pipettes

Winner:

• Boyz - M.I.A.

Get Organized!

A good way to organize your thoughts and tasks while on a job search is to make a list of tasks to do and cross them off when you complete them. For example, here is a list we compiled for our last job search.

update portfolio
complete resume
clean up work space
back up computer hard drive
knock out real world vegas marathon
get suit cleaned

Interview Tip

We're often asked how much one should drink before an interview. Our general rule of thumb is if you can just barely pass a field sobriety test, you will be relaxed enough to not only ace your interview, but get there safely.

Cover Letter - Songwriter for Fergie

Dear Fergie,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) a-r to the e p-r-e-t-t to the y s-u-r to the e w to the e c-a to the n d to the o b-e-t-t-e to the r.

(Sing to the tune of Glamourous)
Hire us, hire us hire us, hire us, hire us hire us, hire us, hire us hire us, hire us, hire us hire us.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

A Christmas Video

The result of cabin fever.

Yuletide Vocab

There are certain words that you hear around Christmas that you don't hear any other time of year. Hark, the herald angels sing; Lo, the angel Gabriel appeared to Joseph. I guess that's why we don't get a lot of new Christmas carols*, as the modern equivalent of Hark would be Yo, and Lo would be Booya.

*Except for Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC

Learn From my Interviewing Gaffes - By Mike Tyson

"I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"

In general, you do not want to threaten the lives of your co-workers children. Plus the implied cannibalism made me seem a smidge odd, I fear. I should have said, "I want to eat with his children, at Fuddruckers!"

Also, try not to bring up religion too much at work.

Later,

Mike :)

Interview Tip

Should you ever fight an interviewer? If he looks at you funny, yes. If he doesn't, it's your call.

Cover Letter - Karate Instructor

Dear Dojo,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) saw karate kid the other day in HD, so we got a really good look at the moves. That's why we think we would make great karate instructors. Our qualifications are not confined to television viewing (although we have seen Surf Ninjas, Sidekicks, and Karate Kid II and III as well as the one with that chick who ended up playing a dude who wanted to be a chick or vice versa).

First, check out this sweet combo move: A, B, B, A, C, B, B, A. That doozy allowed us to beat Shang-Tsung on only our 6th try. Take that Bruce Lee.

Maybe a more impressive show of our superior karateness is that we can jump, kick, and yell all at the same time, with a very low injury rate. Don't be fooled by the cast we have on our foot, that was from slip-n-slide. Do not terminate your slip-n-slide into an oak tree. Doesn't that sound like it could have come from a fortune cookie? Our sage wisdom would make us like a young, hunky Mr. Miyagi. Pretty swell, eh?

Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli-san
Joseph R. Signorelli-san

Long Shot

Kosuke Fukudome recently announced he is leaving Japanese baseball to play in the Majors. Heres to wishing him all the best, and to hoping someone names an indoor stadium after the guy.

Learn From my Interviewing Gaffes - By Mike Tyson

“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles"

Oopsy. Try to avoid threatening a family member of your potential employer (especially offspring).Also, mentioning private parts in an interview is generally bad form.

Toodles,

Iron Mike

Interview Tip

Try to swear less than 3 times per interview. Impossible you say? Try doing things like saying d-bag instead of douchebag. You'll be surprised at the response!

Dude Didn't Even Get His Degree

At the deli today:
Large woman requesting a drink: "Pibb me, girl".

Cover Letter - Teen Idols

Dear People,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) read your magazine on occasion. Not in public however, as we don’t want to seem femme. Every time we read it, we notice that the only “people” featured are famous. Non-famous “people” are “people” too. We feel that this is discriminatory. So to right this wrong we will let you feature us in an article (a cover story would be preferred). The cover could say, “Daniel L. Signorelli and Joseph R. Signorelli are two guys who don’t smell particularly bad”. This is not only a good title, but is true! (Both of us use soap semi-regularly). I’m not sure how one could convey non-smelliness in print, but the absence of those cartoon stink lines would be a good start. After that you’re on your own.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

BeerTub Girls

"Thanks for the beer. Nice abs. Heres a dollar."
I bet they didnt get read to a lot. Or hugged.

Return of the Mac

Recently a McDonalds had been demolished in Champlin. In its place they decided to put a McDonalds. But this one is different. Its like the McDonalds of the future, a future where we still havent realized how bad this crap is for us. Like a moth to the flame, I was drawn in on opening night by those big searchlights normally reserved for skin bars. Thinking there must be at least some sort of free ice cream deal, I decided to venture a look. I must say, I was impressed by everything but the people involved. While the cashier attempted to find the correct buttons, ketchup, barbecue sauce, coins, and add/subtract, I was mesmerized by the architecture and decor. This McDs came with a HD flat panel TV playing Ratatouille, lounge seats, 21st century interior design, and one of those neato $1 DVD rental machines featuring a vast array of *** out of **** films (the movies that will never win an academy award, but which the general public will describe as "pretty good"). In the end I was enormously disappointed by the lack of any kind of give-away, but felt I couldnt leave without at least getting something. Deciding to fully negate my preceding workout, I went with the #7 (chicken BLT). It was pretty good.

Work Clothes

I'm thinking about taking a few inches off of my scrub pantlegs. "Scrupris." (copyright 2007, Dan Signorelli, all rights reserved) Chalk up another million-dollar idea for this guy.

While David Letterman has chosen to not only be an outspoken advocate in favor of the writers while they strike (ITEM 6: BIGGER ERASERS FOR MECHANICAL PENCILS!), Carson Daly has decided to start taping new shows. I cannot wait to see what this guy comes up with on his own. Not that I'm actually going to watch and find out...

Cover Letter - Politician

Dear Mr. Government,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have noticed that lately it seems you have gotten yourself into a bit of a pickle. The country appears to have divided itself in two! These two factions (my poli sci prof calls them “democrats” and “republicans”) seem to disagree over almost everything! We are certain that when future generations look back on this, it will be a cute little quirk that we of the 21st century had. However, we believe we may have a solution: Us. First of all, note that “us” is spelled U-S, or U.S., which could mean United States. Already you can see how we are fit for the job. The job we are talking about is of course is rulers (and we don’t mean measuring sticks! Ha! Ha! Ha!). My brother and I would assume the responsibility of making the decisions in this country from now on. We are two pretty good-looking and reasonable guys, so we don’t foresee any disagreements (except about whether to get the “gold” car wash or not. See, I think paying the extra two bucks is worth it for the undercarriage wash, while my brother would rather pocket the two dollars and spend it on pogs and root beer. Not that I don’t like pogs and root beer (who doesn’t!)), which makes us fit to rule. People we don’t even know tell us all the time, “You guys: Rule!” Obviously this is something the American public wants. We think they have had enough of Dicks and Bushes and Colins. Our previous leadership positions include head-of the-lunch-table, king-of-the-hill, and first in line for tickets to Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Daniel L. Signorelli

Joseph R. Signorelli

Complaint Letter - China

Dear China,
Your eating utensils are misnamed. Please rename "chopsticks" to "pinchingrods" as they do not chop and are not always wood. Please revise.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Complaint Letter - Outburst

Dear Outburst,
While we find your game amusing, "Sudden Susan" is NOT an acceptable TV show name with a woman's name in the title. Please revise and send us a new card.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Cover Letter - Family Circus

Hello,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) both love "Family Circus"! In fact we write volumes of Jeffy fan fiction. Do you have a job for us? We would like to volunteer our ghost writing services. We understand this maybe taboo in the cartooning biz, but since there are two of us, we cancel each other out, though maintain twice the hilarity. Our therapist loves our fan fiction entitled "Jeffy Reffy Ding-Dong!”. In our strip, Jeffy encounters a time machine on one of his hilarious gallivants about the neighborhood. He then gets into all sorts of hijinx throughout time, especially the mid-eighties. Can you imagine Jeffy somehow getting mixed up in the overthrow of Pinochet? We can, and it is rib-tickling. Jeffy would refer to the despot dictator as “Pinocchio” and claim he killed three billion people and that’s bad. We will end this letter due to the fact that last part was so funny we spit wild cherry Shasta all over our keyboard.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

PS Do you know how to get wild cherry Shasta out of a keyboard?

Cover Letter - Topps Baseball Cards

Topps Baseball Cards

Hello,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) both enjoy your baseball cards. Recently a trend has emerged that has slowed the rate at which we buy your product. There are fewer baseball cards that feature mustached players. We collect cards of players with moustaches (Ken Phelps, Ken Schrom, Jeff Reboulet, et al) and we think you need to either get players to grow moustaches, or more prominently feature bemustached players. No goatees! If you address this problem then you will once again be "Topps" in our hearts, as opposed to "Bottomms" in our bottoms. Since we are the foremost experts on players with boss upper lip hair, maybe we could be some sort of consultants to make sure that the mustaches you photograph are truly “Goulet-esque”.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

The Color Man

"That ball was like ninety feet off the ground and fifty-five yards into the air."
Do football announcers ever get tired of being wrong or sounding stupid? It would appear not.

Kids are, for the most part, dumb anyway

Apparantly the toy aquadots contain the date rape ghb, which causes memory loss. But does anyone really remember their early childhood? Can you detail any episode of Sesame Street you watched? Here's my thesis statement "Date rape drugs in young children - who cares?"

Cover Letter - Twins

Minnesota Twins

Hello,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) are both Minnesota natives and have recently become aware of the position available in center field on your baseball team. Although Torii Hunter is a good center fielder, we feel that as two people, we could cover more ground. Also, since my brother bats right handed and I bat left, we are a switch hitter. Between the two of us, we have 26 years of baseball experience, and we understand that Denard Span is only 22. We'll let that last sentence sink in for a moment.





Please contact us soon, as our obligations as students will need to be put on hold in order to attend spring training. Since we are students at large universities, and will be in Florida during the spring, you may find it convenient during Spring Break that we have hook-ups on some wicked awesome fake IDs (Joe Mauer, looking in your direction).

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

P.S. What is Boof Bonser's real name? We think it is Ricky.

Cover Letter - Sony

SONY MUSIC

Dear Mr. Sony:

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have noticed that music sucks these days, with the exception of Outkast and Christmas carols. Imagine our trouble finding a decent radio station! We have a suggestion to temper that suckiness: Us. Along with our singing abilities, we can also whistle and hum, making us a triple threat. Note that since there are two of us, we can do two of these three things at the same time. Three times two is six. This would be impossible with an artist such as Britney Spears or Neil Sedaka. While we realize that you now have the technology to record Ms. Spears or Mr. Sedaka whistling, singing, or humming solo, then combining that with a track recorded at another time of them whistling, singing, or humming solo again, you could create that same effect. However, we eliminate that need for a middleman. Also, do you know anyone that can sing, whistle, or hum? That way we could do all three at once. Three times three is nine. Do you know any good restaurants in New York? I might be going there soon. Keep in mind I am allergic to lactose!

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli (DJ Zone Doubt)
Joseph R. Signorelli (MC Zippy)

Spring Training ...get it...*cough*

I was getting off the brown line train at the Madison stop, downtown chicago, and an older woman was getting off the train the same time as me. Right before she got off the train she said, to no one in particular, "I'm goin' to TJ Maxx y'all"!

It has influenced me to announce stuff I do, no matter how inane. On that note, I'm going to eat another starburst y'all.

Welcome to Superfuntown

Pronounced "soo-PERF-uhnt-OWN."

Here you will find podcast updates, cover letters for you job seekers, random thoughts (they all are), classic blogs, as well as links and whatnot, because the masses always demand links. Don't forget to update your bookmarks.