Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Sometimes the job you apply for has already been "filled" (That's a pun because one fills a Depends with poo and pee).
Subject: Unfrequently Asked Question
Dear Joe And Dan,
Thanks for your e-mail to Kimberly-Clark.
Your may be interested to know we have introduced colored DEPEND® underwear for men and women. The four new variety packs include six colored and printed underwear in one package: solid and striped patterns for men; pastel solids and floral for women. The packaging has a transparent product window resembling a multi-pack of traditional underwear. Product design in terms of absorbent placement, leg shape, improved waistband, etc. is all the same. The new printed color is the only difference vs. current DEPEND underwear. It is available in two sizes for Women - Small/Medium and Large - both Extra Absorbency and in two sizes for Men - Small/Medium and Large/XL - Super Plus Absorbency.
Thank you again for sharing your comments with us.
Tracy
Consumer Services, Kimberly-Clark Corp.
Lead the world in essentials for a better life.
Showing posts with label Cover Letters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cover Letters. Show all posts
Sunday
Response to Cover Letter - Mr. Bubble
Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Sometimes you get free stuff!
Just for taking the time to send that enthusiastic email, I'd be happy to send you two some free Mr. Bubble t-shirts. What sizes would you need and where would you like them sent?
Best Regards,
Best Regards,
Jenna xxxxxx
Be sure to properly thank them however.
Dear Jenna,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) thank you for your generous offer. This way we won't have to become Mr. Bubbles through dangerous eating habits and dangerous pigment augmentation procedures. We can just wear the shirts!
We would like an L (which stands for Large) and an M (which stands for Medium. Not the television show mind you, but the somewhat abstract unit of measure.)
If anyone asks about our shirts, we will read them our 15 minute speech we have prepared in case we actually do become the next Mr. Bubble. We feel this is a great start.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Friday
Cover Letter - Scientists
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) are into beakers and all that shit. So we should be scientists. We can perform experiments where we bunsen burn things, all the while making sure to wear our protective goggles. Was Kurt Rambis a scientist too?
Do you need something examined at 5x the size? Well guess what, it's already on a glass slide (with slide cover applied ever so gently) and being examined at 10x. That's twice as much detail as you had hoped for. What up.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Do you need something examined at 5x the size? Well guess what, it's already on a glass slide (with slide cover applied ever so gently) and being examined at 10x. That's twice as much detail as you had hoped for. What up.
Gregor Mendel. Gene splicing. RNA. The Scientific Method. Polarization. Acids/Bases. These are all examples of things we have heard of. Want more? Jonas Salk, Fruit flies with red eyes. Bam.
We will not dissect gross stuff however.
Our first order of business will be to grow a Pea Tree in a petri dish. Think of the wordplay!
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Wednesday
Cover Letter - Writers For House
Dear Doctor House,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to write episodes for your hit TV show "Doctor House". Both of us have lived in houses (the singular being "house"-like you and your show) and have been to the doctor. One of us went for getting a penny stuck in their ear and one of us went for drinking too much Shasta. We can't tell you which due to patient-doctor confidentiality. But one of us is another Wild Cherry away from a trip to the county E.R. if you know what we're sayin. Transition. Here is an example of an episode we wrote.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
P.S. Don't steal our idea.
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to write episodes for your hit TV show "Doctor House". Both of us have lived in houses (the singular being "house"-like you and your show) and have been to the doctor. One of us went for getting a penny stuck in their ear and one of us went for drinking too much Shasta. We can't tell you which due to patient-doctor confidentiality. But one of us is another Wild Cherry away from a trip to the county E.R. if you know what we're sayin. Transition. Here is an example of an episode we wrote.
- Someone passes out from an illness
- Dr. House - "I say we do this"
- Everyone - "We're not on board despite you being right everytime"
- People try different things
- Thing House suggested is the correct thing
- Dr. House "Smart alec comment"
- A song by The Who
We can start whenever.
Thank you for your time and consideration.Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
P.S. Don't steal our idea.
Tuesday
Cover Letter - Dictionary Writers
Greetings Webster,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) both love words. We use them almost every day! We love the writing in your book, especially the definitions for the words beginning with “R” (whoever wrote about rhubarb deserves a Pulitzer). We also are very good at making up our own words (see if you can pick them out in this letter). Ever since we have been alive, the dictionary has not contilled any longer. Have your writers prostigated a case of writers’ block? Well we haven’t. Just the other day, we came up with 45 new words (granted we have decided that 13 are Spanish). Soon we also hope to put meanings and pronunciations to the words. After we are hired we can work on definitions for our gallump of words with one of your “R” writers.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Joedanilly yours,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) both love words. We use them almost every day! We love the writing in your book, especially the definitions for the words beginning with “R” (whoever wrote about rhubarb deserves a Pulitzer). We also are very good at making up our own words (see if you can pick them out in this letter). Ever since we have been alive, the dictionary has not contilled any longer. Have your writers prostigated a case of writers’ block? Well we haven’t. Just the other day, we came up with 45 new words (granted we have decided that 13 are Spanish). Soon we also hope to put meanings and pronunciations to the words. After we are hired we can work on definitions for our gallump of words with one of your “R” writers.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Joedanilly yours,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Response To Cover Letter - Dictionary Writers
Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Even people as awesome and good looking as us don't get every job we apply for.
From: Kory L. Sxxx
Subject: Re: We would like a job
To: "Joe and Dan Signorelli"
Date: Friday, January 16, 2009, 8:37 AM
Dear Bros. Signorelli:
Thank you for your e-mail and your interest in Merriam-Webster. We appreciate your tireless efforts to use words daily and thereby keep us in business.
You may be saddened to learn that the work of a dictionary editor is not in creating new words, but rather in recording the use of new words as they appear in edited, printed prose. Believe it or not, the dictionary has indeed grown over the years--we add anywhere from 50-100 words every year, not counting the full revisions that add thousands of new words, and that is just a fraction of the new words we have evidence for. But it looks like you are looking for employment on the wrong side of this "new word" schtick. Two fine neologists such as yourselves would do the English language the most amount of good out in the wild, where your coinages will be heard and passed along. Though our editors are creative, intelligent, and remarkably good-looking, they are still but "harmless drudges," as Samuel Johnson put it a few hundred years ago, resigned to a career of recording other people's witticisms. You can read about the defining process at www.Merriam-Webster.com/help/faq/word_in.htm.
That said, if you wish to apply for an editorial job with us, please send a cover letter and résumé to:
Stephen J. Pxxx
Merriam-Webster, Inc.
PO Box xxx
Springfield MA 01102
Thanks again for writing, and I will pass your compliments along to the editors who worked on "rhubarb."
Cordially,
Kory Sxxx, Associate Editor
Merriam-Webster, Inc.
www.Merriam-Webster.com
www.wordcentral.com
www.Merriam-WebsterUnabridged.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The jury's in on our new premium Web site! You be the judge with a 14-day free trial--examine the evidence at www.Merriam-WebsterCollegiate.com today!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: Kory L. Sxxx
Subject: Re: We would like a job
To: "Joe and Dan Signorelli"
Date: Friday, January 16, 2009, 8:37 AM
Dear Bros. Signorelli:
Thank you for your e-mail and your interest in Merriam-Webster. We appreciate your tireless efforts to use words daily and thereby keep us in business.
You may be saddened to learn that the work of a dictionary editor is not in creating new words, but rather in recording the use of new words as they appear in edited, printed prose. Believe it or not, the dictionary has indeed grown over the years--we add anywhere from 50-100 words every year, not counting the full revisions that add thousands of new words, and that is just a fraction of the new words we have evidence for. But it looks like you are looking for employment on the wrong side of this "new word" schtick. Two fine neologists such as yourselves would do the English language the most amount of good out in the wild, where your coinages will be heard and passed along. Though our editors are creative, intelligent, and remarkably good-looking, they are still but "harmless drudges," as Samuel Johnson put it a few hundred years ago, resigned to a career of recording other people's witticisms. You can read about the defining process at www.Merriam-Webster.com/help/faq/word_in.htm.
That said, if you wish to apply for an editorial job with us, please send a cover letter and résumé to:
Stephen J. Pxxx
Merriam-Webster, Inc.
PO Box xxx
Springfield MA 01102
Thanks again for writing, and I will pass your compliments along to the editors who worked on "rhubarb."
Cordially,
Kory Sxxx, Associate Editor
Merriam-Webster, Inc.
www.Merriam-Webster.com
www.wordcentral.com
www.Merriam-WebsterUnabridged.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The jury's in on our new premium Web site! You be the judge with a 14-day free trial--examine the evidence at www.Merriam-WebsterCollegiate.com today!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sunday
Cover Letter - Mr. Bubble
To the estate of Mr. Bubble,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) were very sorry to hear about the passing of Mister Bubble. He was a great man type thing. But here's the good news; (or :, not sure) two new awesome spokespeople are available: (or ;, not sure) us.
We are both roundish and pinkish. With some work and pizza, we can get ourselves to the precise amount of round and pink required. Or you could look at this as a chance to go in a new direction with some more human looking mascots, in which case we fit the bill almost immediately. Or we could dress up in one of those two person horse costumes. Let your imagination run wild.
Two weeks prior to us starting as the new mascots for your product we would request you send us some of your product as we have run out of soap.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) were very sorry to hear about the passing of Mister Bubble. He was a great man type thing. But here's the good news; (or :, not sure) two new awesome spokespeople are available: (or ;, not sure) us.
We are both roundish and pinkish. With some work and pizza, we can get ourselves to the precise amount of round and pink required. Or you could look at this as a chance to go in a new direction with some more human looking mascots, in which case we fit the bill almost immediately. Or we could dress up in one of those two person horse costumes. Let your imagination run wild.
Two weeks prior to us starting as the new mascots for your product we would request you send us some of your product as we have run out of soap.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Mr. Bubble during happier times
Wednesday
Repost in Memorium - Cover Letter - News Anchors
Cover Letter
2:00 pm, 12/29
Hello,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have recently become aware of the departure of Paul Majors. We could not help but notice that this will of course leave a prestigious opening for the position of anchorman at your station. We would like to volunteer our services. Both of us frequently read articles on cnn.com, and we have a pretty good idea of what is going on. We also have a stunning tag-team dynamic, not seen since the comedy stylings of Abbott and Costello (though I might add we are a little easier on the eyes!). Whilst reporting the news, we will make the ladies swoon, much the way Paul Majors did. We do not claim to be Paul Majors, as those are awfully big shoes to fill. But keep in mind that we are two people, and can both use two feet to fill just one shoe each. In closing, here is an example of our reporting:
"Michael Jackson is in legal trouble again!"
"That's right, Joe."
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
___________________________
Reply
2:05 pm, 12/29
Thanks for the offer! I think we'll stick with our new anchor team for now, but we'll let you know if they need a break.
Take care,
Jen Mxxxx
KARE11 News
2:00 pm, 12/29
Hello,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have recently become aware of the departure of Paul Majors. We could not help but notice that this will of course leave a prestigious opening for the position of anchorman at your station. We would like to volunteer our services. Both of us frequently read articles on cnn.com, and we have a pretty good idea of what is going on. We also have a stunning tag-team dynamic, not seen since the comedy stylings of Abbott and Costello (though I might add we are a little easier on the eyes!). Whilst reporting the news, we will make the ladies swoon, much the way Paul Majors did. We do not claim to be Paul Majors, as those are awfully big shoes to fill. But keep in mind that we are two people, and can both use two feet to fill just one shoe each. In closing, here is an example of our reporting:
"Michael Jackson is in legal trouble again!"
"That's right, Joe."
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
___________________________
Reply
2:05 pm, 12/29
Thanks for the offer! I think we'll stick with our new anchor team for now, but we'll let you know if they need a break.
Take care,
Jen Mxxxx
KARE11 News
Monday
Cover Letter - Reality Show Contestants: The Fearmaster
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Wednesday
Cover Letter - Shoulder Models
Original Job Post:
Shoulder Models needed for MD Course July 18th (Hotel Sax Chicago)
Date: 2009-06-27, 7:50AM CDT
The 2009 Chicago Shoulder Ultrasound Course will be on Saturday July 18th at the Hotel Sax in Chicago. We need models with normal shoulders AND models with known rotator cuff tears (by MRI scan) to be part of our shoulder training lab from 12:30 to 3:30. Models will only have to sit in a chair for 3 hours and let doctors ultrasound their shoulder. Ultrasound is noninvasive and painfree and there is no radiation. Our course website is www.shouldersono.com Please respond with any questions, CV and picture if available.
Location: Hotel Sax Chicago
Compensation: $100 cash for 3 hours
This is a part-time job.
This is at a non-profit organization.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would love to the responsibility of being your models. While we have not had rotator cuff surgery, we do have impressive shoulders, as shown in the attached picture. Should you tell us we would be able to shoulder the responsibility of this job, we would pull our car to the shoulder of the road in the City of Big Shoulders and celebrate being shoulder models. Here are three things we can do with our shoulders:
1. Throw a baseball as far as 23 feet or grapes into mouth
Please don't give us the cold shoulder.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Yours in shoulder,
That news make our shoulder look like this!
Shoulder Models needed for MD Course July 18th (Hotel Sax Chicago)
Reply to: xxx@xxx.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-06-27, 7:50AM CDT
The 2009 Chicago Shoulder Ultrasound Course will be on Saturday July 18th at the Hotel Sax in Chicago. We need models with normal shoulders AND models with known rotator cuff tears (by MRI scan) to be part of our shoulder training lab from 12:30 to 3:30. Models will only have to sit in a chair for 3 hours and let doctors ultrasound their shoulder. Ultrasound is noninvasive and painfree and there is no radiation. Our course website is www.shouldersono.com Please respond with any questions, CV and picture if available.
Thanks
Course Director
Location: Hotel Sax Chicago
Compensation: $100 cash for 3 hours
This is a part-time job.
This is at a non-profit organization.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
____________________________________________________
Cover Letter:
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would love to the responsibility of being your models. While we have not had rotator cuff surgery, we do have impressive shoulders, as shown in the attached picture. Should you tell us we would be able to shoulder the responsibility of this job, we would pull our car to the shoulder of the road in the City of Big Shoulders and celebrate being shoulder models. Here are three things we can do with our shoulders:
1. Throw a baseball as far as 23 feet or grapes into mouth
2. Passive aggressively shoulder check jerks
3. Model of course!!!
Please don't give us the cold shoulder.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Yours in shoulder,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
shoulder.jpg27K
View Download
________________________________
Reply to Cover Letter:
Hi,
all of the shoulder model spots are filled,
thanks
Don
________________________________
Reply to Reply:
That news make our shoulder look like this!
Tuesday
Cover Letter - Football Player
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to play your "football". Although we are not particlarily good at the sport we figure the world owes us something.
We were watching the European Cup and thinking, we wouldn't do this football, but we should do that football. The Super Bowl looks pretty easy to do and couldn't help but notice neither team scores many points. We would score more points than the other team each time, therefore guaranteeing victory. Why someone else hasn't thought of this we don't know but since we did we call dibs. Plus if we get injured we look forward to riding on those carts, but that won't likely happen - since there are two of us one can run with the ball while the other blocks.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
P.S. Where did those leather helmets go? Those were pretty sharp and you could see our movie star good looks (((Like Clooney in Leatherheads (Though the movie sucked, could it have been from the leather helmets?(Maybe the leather helmets aren't a good idea. Sorry.))).
P.P.S. Whatever happened to Mike Baab?
We were watching the European Cup and thinking, we wouldn't do this football, but we should do that football. The Super Bowl looks pretty easy to do and couldn't help but notice neither team scores many points. We would score more points than the other team each time, therefore guaranteeing victory. Why someone else hasn't thought of this we don't know but since we did we call dibs. Plus if we get injured we look forward to riding on those carts, but that won't likely happen - since there are two of us one can run with the ball while the other blocks.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
P.S. Where did those leather helmets go? Those were pretty sharp and you could see our movie star good looks (((Like Clooney in Leatherheads (Though the movie sucked, could it have been from the leather helmets?(Maybe the leather helmets aren't a good idea. Sorry.))).
P.P.S. Whatever happened to Mike Baab?
Monday
Cover Letter - Mad TV Writers
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) enjoy your show almost too much. Whether it's a guy speaking with a high pitched voice, or a woman speaking with a low pitched voice, the hilarity never ceases. We would like to get in on the fun as writers. We offer these ideas to get the ball rolling.
Chimpanzee Esquire - Monkey Lawyer
The Honorable Rufus - Dog Judge
Officer Gas - The policeman who arrests people with his farts.
Man Baby - Older guy pretending to be a baby
Man Toddler - Older guy pretending to be a kindergartner
Man Teenager - Same as the movie "17 Again" or "Big" or "Vice Versa" or "Freaky Friday"
Man Man - Musical act
And don't think we don't have some slightly irrelavent parodies up our sleeves:
- The Curious Case of Benjamin Butt-tron - A reverse aging robot shaped like a rump.
- Suddenly Cruisen - Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields switch places.
- Adoptin' Ain't (a) Peach - Madonna be tryin to get them kids!
- Fro Jay Simpson - OJ Simpson tending to his afro.
- The Curious Case of Elian Gonzales - Remember that kid? What if he aged backwards?
- Jay Leno impressions
If that's not enough to insatiably whet your appetite, read the following part in a high pitched british accent.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Tuesday
Cover Letter - Joke Writers for MTV Awards
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) think we could write some pretty good jokes for one of your awards shows. Here is a sample of our work.
Joe: "Did you hear the one about Green Day"
Dan: "No"
Joe: "It's like every other Green Day joke I've told, except I told it more recently, and am older when I tell it."
Anything else will cost you.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Joe: "Did you hear the one about Green Day"
Dan: "No"
Joe: "It's like every other Green Day joke I've told, except I told it more recently, and am older when I tell it."
Anything else will cost you.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Wednesday
Response to Cover Letter - Radio Hosts
Dear Daniel and Joseph:
Thank you very much for giving us the opportunity to consider you for employment. Your qualifications are impressive; however, we do not have any openings that would fit with your background and experience at this time. Your resume will be kept on file for future reference.
We wish you well in locating the opportunity you desire. Thank you again for your time and interest in pursuing employment with Clear Channel.
Sincerely,
Jennifer Smith
Clear Channel Communications, Inc.
Thank you very much for giving us the opportunity to consider you for employment. Your qualifications are impressive; however, we do not have any openings that would fit with your background and experience at this time. Your resume will be kept on file for future reference.
We wish you well in locating the opportunity you desire. Thank you again for your time and interest in pursuing employment with Clear Channel.
Sincerely,
Jennifer Smith
Clear Channel Communications, Inc.
Friday
Cover Letter - The Menards Guy
Dear Mr. Menard,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) notice you don't see the Menards Guy much anymore. We hope he didn't get eaten by a shark while kite surfing! But in that eventuality, it's a perfect time to go for younger, hipper spokespeople (us). We're like that Mac Guy, but since there are two of us, we would be 4 times as good (2^2). We often talk to people we don't know about home improvement items. On the train the other day, we told a guy he could get an 8 foot ladder for the price of a 6 foot ladder. And we believe there is a good chance that he went to get a ladder after he finished beating us up.
Here are some examples of how the commercials could go with two people instead of one.
Joe: How much is this plywood?
Dan: 15 dollars a sheet.
or
Joe: This plywood is 15 dollars a sheet.
Dan: Wow!
or
Joe and Dan: Plywood is 15 dollars a sheet.
We can talk about things other than plywood if that's what you would like.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) notice you don't see the Menards Guy much anymore. We hope he didn't get eaten by a shark while kite surfing! But in that eventuality, it's a perfect time to go for younger, hipper spokespeople (us). We're like that Mac Guy, but since there are two of us, we would be 4 times as good (2^2). We often talk to people we don't know about home improvement items. On the train the other day, we told a guy he could get an 8 foot ladder for the price of a 6 foot ladder. And we believe there is a good chance that he went to get a ladder after he finished beating us up.
Here are some examples of how the commercials could go with two people instead of one.
Joe: How much is this plywood?
Dan: 15 dollars a sheet.
or
Joe: This plywood is 15 dollars a sheet.
Dan: Wow!
or
Joe and Dan: Plywood is 15 dollars a sheet.
We can talk about things other than plywood if that's what you would like.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Sunday
Cover Letter - Grape Stompers
Dear Winery or France,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have large feet. And you know what they say, people with large feet can only be clowns. Well we think that this trait would also make us great grape stompers. We heard that some people wear snow shoes while stomping grapes. We feel that this is an outrage, along the lines of steroids in baseball. HIRE PEOPLE WITH NATURALLY LARGE FEET! This will make your product more respectable in most circles. We have never stomped multiple grapes at a time, but have practiced on single grapes and Arby's sauce packets. We are confident that we will be better than this lady.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have large feet. And you know what they say, people with large feet can only be clowns. Well we think that this trait would also make us great grape stompers. We heard that some people wear snow shoes while stomping grapes. We feel that this is an outrage, along the lines of steroids in baseball. HIRE PEOPLE WITH NATURALLY LARGE FEET! This will make your product more respectable in most circles. We have never stomped multiple grapes at a time, but have practiced on single grapes and Arby's sauce packets. We are confident that we will be better than this lady.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Cover Letter - Echo Guy for Cypress Hill
Dear B-Real,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to take Sen-Dog's place as echo guy for Cypress Hill (CYPRESS HILL!!). While we appreciate Sen keeping us on top of such topics as when the sh** is currently or about to go down, we feel that since we are two people, we can make a more realistic echo effect (effect! EFFECT!). See how much better that is?
Let us know if you would like to see our rappin resume (resume, RESUME!)
Thank you for your time and consideration (consideration! CONSIDERATION!).
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Wednesday
Cover Letter - Highlights Magazine
Dear Highlights,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have enjoyed your magazine well into our late twenties. Be it the hidden pictures, "Ask Arizona", or crafts and science sections, we couldn't be more down. We mean we are all in. Exept for one little thing, "Goofus and Gallant".
Why must you glorify Goofus's behavior in your magazine? We feel he is one step away from Johnny Knoxville-esqe buffoonery. And that is not a message we want to send to our kids if they ever exist. So we propose that you change the name of the piece to "Gallant and Gallanter" and have it star us.
One panel could show one of us opening a door for and old woman. Pretty gallant right? Then the second panel could show one of us building a hurricane Katrina house with our bare hands. Gallanter. One panel shows one of us helping a lady across the street, Gallant; the next shows us striking a peace accord in the Gaza Strip, Gallanter. One panel shows one of us washing the dishes, Gallant; the next shows one of us off-loading passengers from a speeding bus rigged with a bomb, Gallanter. The message is much much stronger.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have enjoyed your magazine well into our late twenties. Be it the hidden pictures, "Ask Arizona", or crafts and science sections, we couldn't be more down. We mean we are all in. Exept for one little thing, "Goofus and Gallant".
Why must you glorify Goofus's behavior in your magazine? We feel he is one step away from Johnny Knoxville-esqe buffoonery. And that is not a message we want to send to our kids if they ever exist. So we propose that you change the name of the piece to "Gallant and Gallanter" and have it star us.
One panel could show one of us opening a door for and old woman. Pretty gallant right? Then the second panel could show one of us building a hurricane Katrina house with our bare hands. Gallanter. One panel shows one of us helping a lady across the street, Gallant; the next shows us striking a peace accord in the Gaza Strip, Gallanter. One panel shows one of us washing the dishes, Gallant; the next shows one of us off-loading passengers from a speeding bus rigged with a bomb, Gallanter. The message is much much stronger.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Response to Cover Letter - Adult Diaper Designers
Dear Joe and Dan,
Thank you for contacting Kimberly-Clark Corporation about your idea. We appreciate the opportunity to explain our policy for reviewing information on new opportunities.
POLICY:
Kimberly-Clark is very involved in the development and design of innovative products both internally and with external partners. Since we have our own advertising team and work with advertising agencies, we do not accept suggestions for the marketing, advertising, or promotion of our products, including suggestions related to artwork or product display, slogans, product names, or trademarks. To protect the efforts of employees and other partners with whom we are already engaged, Kimberly-Clark Corporation accepts for review only non-confidential business plans, products or technologies that are the subject of a patent or patent application, or ideas that relate to environmental subjects.
INSTRUCTIONS:
Non-confidential business plans or a copy of your complete patent can be forwarded to the address provided below.
If your idea is the subject of a patent application, please print the attached form, "Kimberly-Clark Corporation Policy for Reviewing Patent Applications," and return the signed original with a copy of your complete patent application and a copy of the relevant receipt or proof of application from the applicable Patent Office.
If your idea relates to an environmental subject, you can print the attached form, "Kimberly-Clark Corporation Policy for Reviewing Unsolicited Ideas," and return the signed original with a description, drawing, or sample of your idea. Please be aware that we cannot consider ideas that would duplicate the efforts of our manufacturing, business, and research groups who are continually working to make Kimberly-Clark's products even more environmentally friendly, such as:
* reduction or elimination of certain components (including packaging)
* a "drop-in" substitution of one material for another
* increased recycling or use of recycled materials
ADDRESS:
Kimberly-Clark Corporation
Dept: SGN
P.O. Box xxxx
Neenah, WI xxxxx-xxxx
U.S.A.
Without the appropriate documentation, your idea will not be reviewed. If the proper documentation has been provided, your material will be reviewed by our alliance and partnership team, and we will notify you of the outcome.
Thank you again for your interest in Kimberly-Clark Corporation. We appreciate your taking the time to contact us.
Ivy
Consumer Services
Kimberly-Clark Corp.
013026527A
Thank you for contacting Kimberly-Clark Corporation about your idea. We appreciate the opportunity to explain our policy for reviewing information on new opportunities.
POLICY:
Kimberly-Clark is very involved in the development and design of innovative products both internally and with external partners. Since we have our own advertising team and work with advertising agencies, we do not accept suggestions for the marketing, advertising, or promotion of our products, including suggestions related to artwork or product display, slogans, product names, or trademarks. To protect the efforts of employees and other partners with whom we are already engaged, Kimberly-Clark Corporation accepts for review only non-confidential business plans, products or technologies that are the subject of a patent or patent application, or ideas that relate to environmental subjects.
INSTRUCTIONS:
Non-confidential business plans or a copy of your complete patent can be forwarded to the address provided below.
If your idea is the subject of a patent application, please print the attached form, "Kimberly-Clark Corporation Policy for Reviewing Patent Applications," and return the signed original with a copy of your complete patent application and a copy of the relevant receipt or proof of application from the applicable Patent Office.
If your idea relates to an environmental subject, you can print the attached form, "Kimberly-Clark Corporation Policy for Reviewing Unsolicited Ideas," and return the signed original with a description, drawing, or sample of your idea. Please be aware that we cannot consider ideas that would duplicate the efforts of our manufacturing, business, and research groups who are continually working to make Kimberly-Clark's products even more environmentally friendly, such as:
* reduction or elimination of certain components (including packaging)
* a "drop-in" substitution of one material for another
* increased recycling or use of recycled materials
ADDRESS:
Kimberly-Clark Corporation
Dept: SGN
P.O. Box xxxx
Neenah, WI xxxxx-xxxx
U.S.A.
Without the appropriate documentation, your idea will not be reviewed. If the proper documentation has been provided, your material will be reviewed by our alliance and partnership team, and we will notify you of the outcome.
Thank you again for your interest in Kimberly-Clark Corporation. We appreciate your taking the time to contact us.
Ivy
Consumer Services
Kimberly-Clark Corp.
013026527A
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