Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Sometimes the job you apply for has already been "filled" (That's a pun because one fills a Depends with poo and pee).
Subject: Unfrequently Asked Question
Dear Joe And Dan,
Thanks for your e-mail to Kimberly-Clark.
Your may be interested to know we have introduced colored DEPEND® underwear for men and women. The four new variety packs include six colored and printed underwear in one package: solid and striped patterns for men; pastel solids and floral for women. The packaging has a transparent product window resembling a multi-pack of traditional underwear. Product design in terms of absorbent placement, leg shape, improved waistband, etc. is all the same. The new printed color is the only difference vs. current DEPEND underwear. It is available in two sizes for Women - Small/Medium and Large - both Extra Absorbency and in two sizes for Men - Small/Medium and Large/XL - Super Plus Absorbency.
Thank you again for sharing your comments with us.
Tracy
Consumer Services, Kimberly-Clark Corp.
Lead the world in essentials for a better life.
Showing posts with label Career Resources. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Career Resources. Show all posts
Sunday
Response to Cover Letter - Mr. Bubble
Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Sometimes you get free stuff!
Just for taking the time to send that enthusiastic email, I'd be happy to send you two some free Mr. Bubble t-shirts. What sizes would you need and where would you like them sent?
Best Regards,
Best Regards,
Jenna xxxxxx
Be sure to properly thank them however.
Dear Jenna,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) thank you for your generous offer. This way we won't have to become Mr. Bubbles through dangerous eating habits and dangerous pigment augmentation procedures. We can just wear the shirts!
We would like an L (which stands for Large) and an M (which stands for Medium. Not the television show mind you, but the somewhat abstract unit of measure.)
If anyone asks about our shirts, we will read them our 15 minute speech we have prepared in case we actually do become the next Mr. Bubble. We feel this is a great start.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Friday
Cover Letter - Scientists
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) are into beakers and all that shit. So we should be scientists. We can perform experiments where we bunsen burn things, all the while making sure to wear our protective goggles. Was Kurt Rambis a scientist too?
Do you need something examined at 5x the size? Well guess what, it's already on a glass slide (with slide cover applied ever so gently) and being examined at 10x. That's twice as much detail as you had hoped for. What up.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Do you need something examined at 5x the size? Well guess what, it's already on a glass slide (with slide cover applied ever so gently) and being examined at 10x. That's twice as much detail as you had hoped for. What up.
Gregor Mendel. Gene splicing. RNA. The Scientific Method. Polarization. Acids/Bases. These are all examples of things we have heard of. Want more? Jonas Salk, Fruit flies with red eyes. Bam.
We will not dissect gross stuff however.
Our first order of business will be to grow a Pea Tree in a petri dish. Think of the wordplay!
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Tuesday
Learn from my Interview Mistakes: ODB
Quote in Question: "There's no more ODB no more. No, there's no more Osiris, that's all lies. From now on, my name is Big Baby Jesus.
First, let's just get past the bad grammar (ish). The main problem is all of the name changes! I am constantly having to update my resume, then make the long haul down to Kinko's to get new ones printed out. Not to mention when I get calls regarding jobs I interviewed for as Osiris, I have to explain to some lady named Madge, who's probably wearing a sweater with a picture of her cat on it, that my name is now something other than that.
Plus the whole Jesus thing.
CUL8R ALIG8R,
odb, o, bbj
Learn From My Interview Mistakes: Mike Tyson
Wednesday
Cover Letter - Writers For House
Dear Doctor House,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to write episodes for your hit TV show "Doctor House". Both of us have lived in houses (the singular being "house"-like you and your show) and have been to the doctor. One of us went for getting a penny stuck in their ear and one of us went for drinking too much Shasta. We can't tell you which due to patient-doctor confidentiality. But one of us is another Wild Cherry away from a trip to the county E.R. if you know what we're sayin. Transition. Here is an example of an episode we wrote.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
P.S. Don't steal our idea.
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to write episodes for your hit TV show "Doctor House". Both of us have lived in houses (the singular being "house"-like you and your show) and have been to the doctor. One of us went for getting a penny stuck in their ear and one of us went for drinking too much Shasta. We can't tell you which due to patient-doctor confidentiality. But one of us is another Wild Cherry away from a trip to the county E.R. if you know what we're sayin. Transition. Here is an example of an episode we wrote.
- Someone passes out from an illness
- Dr. House - "I say we do this"
- Everyone - "We're not on board despite you being right everytime"
- People try different things
- Thing House suggested is the correct thing
- Dr. House "Smart alec comment"
- A song by The Who
We can start whenever.
Thank you for your time and consideration.Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
P.S. Don't steal our idea.
Tuesday
Cover Letter - Dictionary Writers
Greetings Webster,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) both love words. We use them almost every day! We love the writing in your book, especially the definitions for the words beginning with “R” (whoever wrote about rhubarb deserves a Pulitzer). We also are very good at making up our own words (see if you can pick them out in this letter). Ever since we have been alive, the dictionary has not contilled any longer. Have your writers prostigated a case of writers’ block? Well we haven’t. Just the other day, we came up with 45 new words (granted we have decided that 13 are Spanish). Soon we also hope to put meanings and pronunciations to the words. After we are hired we can work on definitions for our gallump of words with one of your “R” writers.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Joedanilly yours,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) both love words. We use them almost every day! We love the writing in your book, especially the definitions for the words beginning with “R” (whoever wrote about rhubarb deserves a Pulitzer). We also are very good at making up our own words (see if you can pick them out in this letter). Ever since we have been alive, the dictionary has not contilled any longer. Have your writers prostigated a case of writers’ block? Well we haven’t. Just the other day, we came up with 45 new words (granted we have decided that 13 are Spanish). Soon we also hope to put meanings and pronunciations to the words. After we are hired we can work on definitions for our gallump of words with one of your “R” writers.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Joedanilly yours,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Response To Cover Letter - Dictionary Writers
Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Even people as awesome and good looking as us don't get every job we apply for.
From: Kory L. Sxxx
Subject: Re: We would like a job
To: "Joe and Dan Signorelli"
Date: Friday, January 16, 2009, 8:37 AM
Dear Bros. Signorelli:
Thank you for your e-mail and your interest in Merriam-Webster. We appreciate your tireless efforts to use words daily and thereby keep us in business.
You may be saddened to learn that the work of a dictionary editor is not in creating new words, but rather in recording the use of new words as they appear in edited, printed prose. Believe it or not, the dictionary has indeed grown over the years--we add anywhere from 50-100 words every year, not counting the full revisions that add thousands of new words, and that is just a fraction of the new words we have evidence for. But it looks like you are looking for employment on the wrong side of this "new word" schtick. Two fine neologists such as yourselves would do the English language the most amount of good out in the wild, where your coinages will be heard and passed along. Though our editors are creative, intelligent, and remarkably good-looking, they are still but "harmless drudges," as Samuel Johnson put it a few hundred years ago, resigned to a career of recording other people's witticisms. You can read about the defining process at www.Merriam-Webster.com/help/faq/word_in.htm.
That said, if you wish to apply for an editorial job with us, please send a cover letter and résumé to:
Stephen J. Pxxx
Merriam-Webster, Inc.
PO Box xxx
Springfield MA 01102
Thanks again for writing, and I will pass your compliments along to the editors who worked on "rhubarb."
Cordially,
Kory Sxxx, Associate Editor
Merriam-Webster, Inc.
www.Merriam-Webster.com
www.wordcentral.com
www.Merriam-WebsterUnabridged.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The jury's in on our new premium Web site! You be the judge with a 14-day free trial--examine the evidence at www.Merriam-WebsterCollegiate.com today!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: Kory L. Sxxx
Subject: Re: We would like a job
To: "Joe and Dan Signorelli"
Date: Friday, January 16, 2009, 8:37 AM
Dear Bros. Signorelli:
Thank you for your e-mail and your interest in Merriam-Webster. We appreciate your tireless efforts to use words daily and thereby keep us in business.
You may be saddened to learn that the work of a dictionary editor is not in creating new words, but rather in recording the use of new words as they appear in edited, printed prose. Believe it or not, the dictionary has indeed grown over the years--we add anywhere from 50-100 words every year, not counting the full revisions that add thousands of new words, and that is just a fraction of the new words we have evidence for. But it looks like you are looking for employment on the wrong side of this "new word" schtick. Two fine neologists such as yourselves would do the English language the most amount of good out in the wild, where your coinages will be heard and passed along. Though our editors are creative, intelligent, and remarkably good-looking, they are still but "harmless drudges," as Samuel Johnson put it a few hundred years ago, resigned to a career of recording other people's witticisms. You can read about the defining process at www.Merriam-Webster.com/help/faq/word_in.htm.
That said, if you wish to apply for an editorial job with us, please send a cover letter and résumé to:
Stephen J. Pxxx
Merriam-Webster, Inc.
PO Box xxx
Springfield MA 01102
Thanks again for writing, and I will pass your compliments along to the editors who worked on "rhubarb."
Cordially,
Kory Sxxx, Associate Editor
Merriam-Webster, Inc.
www.Merriam-Webster.com
www.wordcentral.com
www.Merriam-WebsterUnabridged.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The jury's in on our new premium Web site! You be the judge with a 14-day free trial--examine the evidence at www.Merriam-WebsterCollegiate.com today!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sunday
Cover Letter - Mr. Bubble
To the estate of Mr. Bubble,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) were very sorry to hear about the passing of Mister Bubble. He was a great man type thing. But here's the good news; (or :, not sure) two new awesome spokespeople are available: (or ;, not sure) us.
We are both roundish and pinkish. With some work and pizza, we can get ourselves to the precise amount of round and pink required. Or you could look at this as a chance to go in a new direction with some more human looking mascots, in which case we fit the bill almost immediately. Or we could dress up in one of those two person horse costumes. Let your imagination run wild.
Two weeks prior to us starting as the new mascots for your product we would request you send us some of your product as we have run out of soap.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) were very sorry to hear about the passing of Mister Bubble. He was a great man type thing. But here's the good news; (or :, not sure) two new awesome spokespeople are available: (or ;, not sure) us.
We are both roundish and pinkish. With some work and pizza, we can get ourselves to the precise amount of round and pink required. Or you could look at this as a chance to go in a new direction with some more human looking mascots, in which case we fit the bill almost immediately. Or we could dress up in one of those two person horse costumes. Let your imagination run wild.
Two weeks prior to us starting as the new mascots for your product we would request you send us some of your product as we have run out of soap.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
Mr. Bubble during happier times
Friday
Omegle Job Search
You might get lucky:
Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey.
You: hi, we're looking for a job, you hiring?
Stranger: no....
Stranger: actually yes
Stranger: i have a resturant
Stranger: that needs some good workers.
You: cool. cooks or out front.
Stranger: uhm.. both really
You: we're willing to travel
Stranger: where do u live?
You: chicago
You: where's the restaurant?
Stranger: alabama.
You: birmingham?
Stranger: yes.
You: well fantastic. we can start in 8 hours
Stranger: im sure ur kidding.
You: not entirely
You: we would need to find a place and pack
Stranger: u dont even know the resturant.
Stranger: ...
You: they're pretty much all the same
Stranger: not really....
Stranger: theres a lot of resturants in alabama.
You: what like 14?
You: is it a don pablo's?
Stranger: no..
Stranger: i never heard of itt.
You: we just thought it would be impressive if we could guess it
Stranger: are u saying that alabama is small or something?
You: it was already narrowed down to birmingham
Stranger: well its not in birmingham
Stranger: its near birmingham.
You: let's go to the tape...
You: You: birmingham? Stranger: yes.
Stranger: i know.
Stranger: i dont want u to know where the resturant is
Stranger: u could be so dangeerous man.
Stranger: best buys hiring.
Stranger: try there.
You: the one in birmingham?
Stranger: no.
You: Vestavia Hills?
Stranger: no?
Stranger: whats that?
You: a birmingham suburb
You: now it is WE that are skeptical of YOU sir
Stranger: im not a freaking SIR.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey.
You: hi, we're looking for a job, you hiring?
Stranger: no....
Stranger: actually yes
Stranger: i have a resturant
Stranger: that needs some good workers.
You: cool. cooks or out front.
Stranger: uhm.. both really
You: we're willing to travel
Stranger: where do u live?
You: chicago
You: where's the restaurant?
Stranger: alabama.
You: birmingham?
Stranger: yes.
You: well fantastic. we can start in 8 hours
Stranger: im sure ur kidding.
You: not entirely
You: we would need to find a place and pack
Stranger: u dont even know the resturant.
Stranger: ...
You: they're pretty much all the same
Stranger: not really....
Stranger: theres a lot of resturants in alabama.
You: what like 14?
You: is it a don pablo's?
Stranger: no..
Stranger: i never heard of itt.
You: we just thought it would be impressive if we could guess it
Stranger: are u saying that alabama is small or something?
You: it was already narrowed down to birmingham
Stranger: well its not in birmingham
Stranger: its near birmingham.
You: let's go to the tape...
You: You: birmingham? Stranger: yes.
Stranger: i know.
Stranger: i dont want u to know where the resturant is
Stranger: u could be so dangeerous man.
Stranger: best buys hiring.
Stranger: try there.
You: the one in birmingham?
Stranger: no.
You: Vestavia Hills?
Stranger: no?
Stranger: whats that?
You: a birmingham suburb
You: now it is WE that are skeptical of YOU sir
Stranger: im not a freaking SIR.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Sunday
Learn From My Interview Mistakes: ODB
Quote in Question: "Lookin' for new girls to put babies in."When asked about your future plans, I've learned it's best to keep your answers work-related. Though I believe it is important to reiterate that I am family-oriented during an interview (it's always family before work with me), it was not the correct time to express this. Focus on your future with the company with which you are currently interviewing. Also I learned that it is beneficial to consider the gender of your your interviewer.
Happy Hunting, Big Baby Jesus
Saturday
Learn From My Interview Mistakes - Mike Tyson
Quote in Question: "I'm on the Zoloft to keep from killing y'all."-I thought that it would be good to be proactive and let my interviewer know that I wouldn't kill him. However he seemed to find it alarming that I would even bring the issue up.
-Michael
Wednesday
You Big Dummy
At some point that kid has to either get a job or stop wasting his rollover minutes. Learn your lesson for cripes sake.
Tuesday
Job Board
f you're one of those musicians on the Subway commercials, time to find a new career, because you're terrible.
Wednesday
Job Board
Difficult job - Chien Ming Wang's translator/sugarcoater. "No really Chien, sucky is a compliment in english."
Monday
Wednesday
Repost in Memorium - Cover Letter - News Anchors
Cover Letter
2:00 pm, 12/29
Hello,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have recently become aware of the departure of Paul Majors. We could not help but notice that this will of course leave a prestigious opening for the position of anchorman at your station. We would like to volunteer our services. Both of us frequently read articles on cnn.com, and we have a pretty good idea of what is going on. We also have a stunning tag-team dynamic, not seen since the comedy stylings of Abbott and Costello (though I might add we are a little easier on the eyes!). Whilst reporting the news, we will make the ladies swoon, much the way Paul Majors did. We do not claim to be Paul Majors, as those are awfully big shoes to fill. But keep in mind that we are two people, and can both use two feet to fill just one shoe each. In closing, here is an example of our reporting:
"Michael Jackson is in legal trouble again!"
"That's right, Joe."
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
___________________________
Reply
2:05 pm, 12/29
Thanks for the offer! I think we'll stick with our new anchor team for now, but we'll let you know if they need a break.
Take care,
Jen Mxxxx
KARE11 News
2:00 pm, 12/29
Hello,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have recently become aware of the departure of Paul Majors. We could not help but notice that this will of course leave a prestigious opening for the position of anchorman at your station. We would like to volunteer our services. Both of us frequently read articles on cnn.com, and we have a pretty good idea of what is going on. We also have a stunning tag-team dynamic, not seen since the comedy stylings of Abbott and Costello (though I might add we are a little easier on the eyes!). Whilst reporting the news, we will make the ladies swoon, much the way Paul Majors did. We do not claim to be Paul Majors, as those are awfully big shoes to fill. But keep in mind that we are two people, and can both use two feet to fill just one shoe each. In closing, here is an example of our reporting:
"Michael Jackson is in legal trouble again!"
"That's right, Joe."
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli
___________________________
Reply
2:05 pm, 12/29
Thanks for the offer! I think we'll stick with our new anchor team for now, but we'll let you know if they need a break.
Take care,
Jen Mxxxx
KARE11 News
Monday
Cover Letter - Reality Show Contestants: The Fearmaster
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