Complaint Letter - Laffy Taffy

Dear Laffy Taffy,

Your jokes have been a little weak lately. Please make them a minimum 35% more funny. Also, the cherry is a little too tangy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Response to Complaint Letter - Toaster Strudel

Dear Mr. Signorellis:

Thank you for contacting Pillsbury. Your comments are important to us. We are committed to making a difference in the lives of our consumers. Feedback such as yours is important to the nature of our business. We appreciate your loyalty and the time you took to contact us. Please be assured that we will share your thoughts with the appropriate individuals.

Sincerely, Jeremy Xxxxx

Consumer Services

Response to Complaint Letter - Outburst

Subject: New Card Needed

Discussion Thread Response

(Charlotte)04/22/2009 04:09 PMjoe,
Thank you for keeping us on our toes by challenging one of our questions from the Outburst game.
The Outburst game to which you refer is not currently in production. Unfortunately, we are unable to research individual challenges.
We appreciate your feedback and we will share your concerns with our marketing team, should they decide to include this question in a future edition.
Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We hope you and your family will enjoy our products for many years to come.

Cover Letter - Grape Stompers

Dear Winery or France,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have large feet. And you know what they say, people with large feet can only be clowns. Well we think that this trait would also make us great grape stompers. We heard that some people wear snow shoes while stomping grapes. We feel that this is an outrage, along the lines of steroids in baseball. HIRE PEOPLE WITH NATURALLY LARGE FEET! This will make your product more respectable in most circles. We have never stomped multiple grapes at a time, but have practiced on single grapes and Arby's sauce packets. We are confident that we will be better than this lady.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - ODB

Quote in Question: "Dirt McGirt comes from Dirt McGirt Island. It’s a place that’s right off the block from the next island off of Batman Island. I can’t let you know exactly where it is––it’s a secret, you know? Wonder Woman told me not to say nothing."

-You know how when you're away from home, and when someone asks you where you're from, you just say "Chicago" even though you're from a suburb of Chicago? I should have probably done something similar here. I now get why the Coneheads would simply say they were from France.

Laters,

Dirt McG

(FYI - sometimes I go by Dirt McGirt. If Samuel Clemens can do it, so can I)

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - Mike Tyson

Quote in Question: "I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."

Be sure to stay on topic when asked a question. Somehow this ended up being my answer when I was asked about salary history.

- Mike :)

Cover Letter - Echo Guy for Cypress Hill

Dear B-Real,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to take Sen-Dog's place as echo guy for Cypress Hill (CYPRESS HILL!!). While we appreciate Sen keeping us on top of such topics as when the sh** is currently or about to go down, we feel that since we are two people, we can make a more realistic echo effect (effect! EFFECT!). See how much better that is?

Let us know if you would like to see our rappin resume (resume, RESUME!)

Thank you for your time and consideration (consideration! CONSIDERATION!).
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Learn From My Interview Mistakes: Rickey Henderson

Quote in Question: “This is Rickey calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants to play baseball.”

Be assertive, a prospective employer will be impressed. And Rickey's habit of speaking in the third person makes it sound like Rickey has a secretary named Rickey, making Rickey seem classy.

-Rickey