Figure out your career path with your favorite T.V. show!

Do you watch a lot of TV? Well put that to use you lazy slob and figure out your career by picking out your favorite program. Then we'll match it up with the best job for you.

QVC - Salesperson

Boston Legal - Lawyer

Grey's Anatomy - Teenage Girl

House - Lawyer

Heroes - Something with computers, dork

Pee Wee's Playhouse - CEO

Knight Rider - German

Monday Night Football - Something where you drive a truck - in the South

VH1 - Intern for US Weekly

The Hills - Somehow get rich off making a sex tape

Smurfs - Cuban dictator

Arrested Development - AnalRapist

SpongeBob - Pizza Delivery

The Wire - TV Critic

The Gauntlet - Real World person who makes a living off appearing in The Gauntlet (CT we're looking in your direction)

Lost - Probably something cool like genetics or architecture

Star Trek - Whatever it is, avoid girls at all costs.

Interview Tip

Sometimes, interviewers will give you an uncomfortable chair to gain the upper hand. If this is the case, throw that chair through the window. Now the upper hand is on the other foot!

Cover Letter - News Anchor

We got a response!

LETTER WRITTEN, 2:00 pm, 12/29

Hello,My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have recently become aware of the departure of Paul Majors. We could not help but notice that this will of course leave a prestigious opening for the position of anchorman at your station. We would like to volunteer our services. Both of us frequently read articles on cnn.com, and we have a pretty good idea of what is going on. We also have a stunning tag-team dynamic, not seen since the comedy stylings of Abbott and Costello (though I might add we are a little easier on the eyes!). Whilst reporting the news, we will make the ladies swoon, much the way Paul Majors did. We do not claim to be Paul Majors, as those are awfully big shoes to fill. But keep in mind that we are two people, and can both use two feet to fill just one shoe each. In closing, here is an example of our reporting:

"Michael Jackson is in legal trouble again!"
"That's right, Joe."

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

REPLY, 2:05 pm, 12/29

Thanks for the offer! I think we'll stick with our new anchor team for now, but we'll let you know if they need a break.

Take care,
Jen Mxxxxx KARE11 News

Actually, I got them all cut.

"What you want?"
"Well I'm going to Africa for a few weeks, so I wanted it a lot shorter than normal so I dont really have to deal with it."
"What you want?"
"I guess something like these, I marked some of these pages in your book here."
"You want like that or that?"
"Well, I figure these are all just kind of variations on the same cut, right?"
"I know what you want."
"Do you?"
"I know."
"You know what, just make me look like someone named Todd."

Cover Letter - Army

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) want to be in the army now. (BTW, did you ever see that movie with Pauly Shore and Andy Dick? ewwwwww)

Video games we've beaten that probably translate: Contra (you can pick which of us is red and which is blue (as long as I can be blue)), Super Mario 1, 2 and 3 (although 2 only loosly translates), and Final Fantasy (we'd be fighting wolves, right?)

Instead of being an "Army of One", we'd be at least an "Army of Two". We don't want to tell you how to do your job or anything, but in armies as with jelly beans, the more the merrier. If we were to fight anyone, we would prefer an "Army of 50,000 or so".

Medals we'd win: Best Hider, least wasteful with ammunition, most emotional, most gay without actually being gay.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Best News Story Ever?

Yes

http://www.wzzm13.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=86444

You Are Dia, and These Are Our Beans.

Has anyone else noticed how similar the scene where the kid is pointing the gun at his dad in the movie Blood Diamond is to the scene where Jane points the gun at Frank in The Naked Gun? We didn't think so, but trust us. It's there. Maybe we'll become one of those video-editing robo-nerds* and edit both scenes into one Youtube clip and then spend the rest of the week figuring out when to start playing Dark Side of the Moon so it syncs up with Wizard of Oz.**

*So less cool than bloggers. Doy.

**It doesn't, you brain-dead pot-smoking dork.

Complaint Letter - MTV

Dear MTV,
Knock it off with the America's Next Top Model already. Geesh.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Ugh.

As an antithesis to Billy Crystal's children's book, we feel we can safely say about the movie "Definately, Maybe" - We hate you before we even met you.

We never thought that there would be a more annoying movie title than "Two if By Sea", but this is a close call.

Cover Letter - Navy (Officer Preferably)

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) want to be in the Navy (That was not a Village People joke).

Recently we have been playing battleship on yahoo games, and achieved rating of 1400. Not bad, eh? Please don't make fun of our Minnesotan accent. Another naval accomplishment for us has been keeping it free of lint. ha ha ha ha ha. Seriously though, we own three canoes in various locations around MN.

We once crashed a jetski but got right back on. We were going 5 knots (which we assume is about 8 miles per hour), got some water in our nose, and only cried a little bit. The list of tough guys starts with us, with number two maybe being Kimbo Slice or Pat Sajak.

One huge advantage we have over all other navies is that we can hold our breath FOREVER (one goes under while the other surfaces for breath). No one else you know can do that. Except for Aquaman. So hopefully you don't know Aquaman. (If you know Aquaman can we meet him?)

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

We're pretty sure that if we hosted a party and did nothing but repeatedly play the video for Sensual Seduction on a large projection screen that everyone there would be getting laid within the hour.

Learn from my Interview Mistakes - By Mike Tyson

Quote in Question: “[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”

In retrospect, this one wasn't so bad. Focus on your strengths!

See ya poundin the pavement,

Iron Mike