Business Opportunity

If you're lucky, job offers will come to you!
____________________________________

FROM: MR.MARK DOUGLAS.
Victoria-Island, Lagos.

Dear  Signorelli,

I will like to solicit your help in a business proposition, I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one worried and apprehensive but I am assuring you not to worry, as all will be well at the end of this endeavor.

View attached letter for details.

Regard,

Mark Douglas
____________________________________

We're always up for a new business opportunity.  Let's do it!

joe and dan
____________________________________

Dear Joe, I received your email with thanks. Please view attached email for details.

Regards,
Mark
____________________________________

Hi Mark,

We are unable to download your attachment.  Could you just explain to me in an email what we could do to help?

Thanks,

joe and dan
____________________________________

Dear Joe, How are doing today? Please kindly let me know you and my email and reconfirm if you are still interested in assisting with this transaction as time is of great importance.

I await your reply.
Mark
____________________________________

Dearest Mark.

We are doing well today, thank you.  Our  team is winning their football game and the weather is lovely.

We are still very interested.  What do we need to do to help?  Keep in mind we will be out of the apartment from 1:00pm-3:00pm cst today getting sandwiches.

Thanks,
joe and dan
____________________________________

Dear Joe,

I received your email with thanks. Hope you had a nice weekend?

The lawyer I nominated to work on your behalf in this matter as your local representative down here to ensure this transaction is concluded in accordance with the law, has agreed to commence immediate legal job in the bank immediately he receives your particulars such as: full name, complete address, occupation, age, company name if any, and your private and telephone numbers for easy,also your data will be used to obtain some vital documents from the bank that will back up your claim on the funds as the rightful beneficiary and a close relative to the deceased person.
Rest assured all modalities has been perfectly worked out to ensure hitch free transaction and smooth remittance of the total funds into your designated bank account once the bank has approved the release of the funds in your favor.

I await the afore-mentioned particulars to enable forward it to the lawyer so that we can proceed further with this transaction as time is of the essence.

Regards,
Mark
____________________________________

Dearest Mark,

Thank you for thanking me for our email.  It was sent with your welcomes.

We did have a nice weekend.  Even though our football team lost (stupid Missouri Tigers!), the weather was a crisp 70 degrees and we were able to get out and ride a bike a bit.  We went about 5 miles (probably more like 4.7, but don't tell).  We were having trouble with my bike getting flat tires, but that seemed to have stopped.  Strange, huh?

We also got to eat at a pretty fancy restaurant.  A little more expensive than we usually care to pay, but sometimes you have to treat yourself!

We'd be happy to provide you with the information you requested, but we have a couple questions.  First, what is a "private number"?  Is this a number for my privates?  Do you compare the number of our privates to the number of the deceased's privates to make sure we're related?  Second, what is the lawyer's name?  WeI would prefer it be Roger.

Thanks for your help, We're getting excited about this transaction!!

Sincerely,

joe and dan
____________________________________

Hi Mark,

Are we still on for this?  Sorry it took so long to get back to you, we were doing stuff.

Later,
joe

Response to Cover Letter - Depends

Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Sometimes the job you apply for has already been "filled" (That's a pun because one fills a Depends with poo and pee).


Subject: Unfrequently Asked Question

Dear Joe And Dan,

Thanks for your e-mail to Kimberly-Clark.

Your may be interested to know we have introduced colored DEPEND® underwear for men and women. The four new variety packs include six colored and printed underwear in one package: solid and striped patterns for men; pastel solids and floral for women. The packaging has a transparent product window resembling a multi-pack of traditional underwear. Product design in terms of absorbent placement, leg shape, improved waistband, etc. is all the same. The new printed color is the only difference vs. current DEPEND underwear. It is available in two sizes for Women - Small/Medium and Large - both Extra Absorbency and in two sizes for Men - Small/Medium and Large/XL - Super Plus Absorbency.

Thank you again for sharing your comments with us.


Tracy
Consumer Services, Kimberly-Clark Corp.
Lead the world in essentials for a better life.

Response to Cover Letter - Karate Instructors

Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Sometimes people have you pegged ahead of time. James xxxx to me:

Are you high?

Response to Cover Letter - Mr. Bubble

Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Sometimes you get free stuff!

Just for taking the time to send that enthusiastic email, I'd be happy to send you two some free Mr. Bubble t-shirts. What sizes would you need and where would you like them sent?

Best Regards,

Jenna xxxxxx

Be sure to properly thank them however.

Dear Jenna,

 

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) thank you for your generous offer.  This way we won't have to become Mr. Bubbles through dangerous eating habits and dangerous pigment augmentation procedures.  We can just wear the shirts!

 

We would like an L (which stands for Large) and an M (which stands for Medium.  Not the television show mind you, but the somewhat abstract unit of measure.)

 

If anyone asks about our shirts, we will read them our 15 minute speech we have prepared in case we actually do become the next Mr. Bubble.  We feel this is a great start.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Cover Letter - Scientists

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) are into beakers and all that shit. So we should be scientists. We can perform experiments where we bunsen burn things, all the while making sure to wear our protective goggles. Was Kurt Rambis a scientist too?

Do you need something examined at 5x the size? Well guess what, it's already on a glass slide (with slide cover applied ever so gently) and being examined at 10x. That's twice as much detail as you had hoped for. What up.

Gregor Mendel. Gene splicing. RNA. The Scientific Method. Polarization. Acids/Bases. These are all examples of things we have heard of. Want more? Jonas Salk, Fruit flies with red eyes. Bam.

We will not dissect gross stuff however.

Our first order of business will be to grow a Pea Tree in a petri dish. Think of the wordplay!

Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Learn from my Interview Mistakes: ODB

Quote in Question: "There's no more ODB no more. No, there's no more Osiris, that's all lies. From now on, my name is Big Baby Jesus.

First, let's just get past the bad grammar (ish). The main problem is all of the name changes! I am constantly having to update my resume, then make the long haul down to Kinko's to get new ones printed out. Not to mention when I get calls regarding jobs I interviewed for as Osiris, I have to explain to some lady named Madge, who's probably wearing a sweater with a picture of her cat on it, that my name is now something other than that.

Plus the whole Jesus thing.

CUL8R ALIG8R,

odb, o, bbj

Learn From My Interview Mistakes: Mike Tyson

Quote in Question: "I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.”

-*Sigh*

Try, Try Again,
Iron Mike

Cover Letter - Writers For House

Dear Doctor House,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to write episodes for your hit TV show "Doctor House". Both of us have lived in houses (the singular being "house"-like you and your show) and have been to the doctor. One of us went for getting a penny stuck in their ear and one of us went for drinking too much Shasta. We can't tell you which due to patient-doctor confidentiality. But one of us is another Wild Cherry away from a trip to the county E.R. if you know what we're sayin. Transition. Here is an example of an episode we wrote.

• Someone passes out from an illness
• Dr. House - "I say we do this"
• Everyone - "We're not on board despite you being right everytime"
• People try different things
• Thing House suggested is the correct thing
• Dr. House "Smart alec comment"
• A song by The Who

We can start whenever.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

P.S. Don't steal our idea.

Cover Letter - Dictionary Writers

Greetings Webster,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) both love words. We use them almost every day! We love the writing in your book, especially the definitions for the words beginning with “R” (whoever wrote about rhubarb deserves a Pulitzer). We also are very good at making up our own words (see if you can pick them out in this letter). Ever since we have been alive, the dictionary has not contilled any longer. Have your writers prostigated a case of writers’ block? Well we haven’t. Just the other day, we came up with 45 new words (granted we have decided that 13 are Spanish). Soon we also hope to put meanings and pronunciations to the words. After we are hired we can work on definitions for our gallump of words with one of your “R” writers.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Joedanilly yours,

Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Response To Cover Letter - Dictionary Writers

Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Even people as awesome and good looking as us don't get every job we apply for.


From: Kory L. Sxxx
Subject: Re: We would like a job
To: "Joe and Dan Signorelli"
Date: Friday, January 16, 2009, 8:37 AM

Dear Bros. Signorelli:

Thank you for your e-mail and your interest in Merriam-Webster. We appreciate your tireless efforts to use words daily and thereby keep us in business.

You may be saddened to learn that the work of a dictionary editor is not in creating new words, but rather in recording the use of new words as they appear in edited, printed prose. Believe it or not, the dictionary has indeed grown over the years--we add anywhere from 50-100 words every year, not counting the full revisions that add thousands of new words, and that is just a fraction of the new words we have evidence for. But it looks like you are looking for employment on the wrong side of this "new word" schtick. Two fine neologists such as yourselves would do the English language the most amount of good out in the wild, where your coinages will be heard and passed along. Though our editors are creative, intelligent, and remarkably good-looking, they are still but "harmless drudges," as Samuel Johnson put it a few hundred years ago, resigned to a career of recording other people's witticisms. You can read about the defining process at www.Merriam-Webster.com/help/faq/word_in.htm.

That said, if you wish to apply for an editorial job with us, please send a cover letter and résumé to:

Stephen J. Pxxx
Merriam-Webster, Inc.
PO Box xxx
Springfield MA 01102

Thanks again for writing, and I will pass your compliments along to the editors who worked on "rhubarb."

Cordially,
Kory Sxxx, Associate Editor
Merriam-Webster, Inc.

www.Merriam-Webster.com
www.wordcentral.com
www.Merriam-WebsterUnabridged.com
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The jury's in on our new premium Web site! You be the judge with a 14-day free trial--examine the evidence at www.Merriam-WebsterCollegiate.com today!
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Cover Letter - Mr. Bubble

To the estate of Mr. Bubble,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) were very sorry to hear about the passing of Mister Bubble. He was a great man type thing. But here's the good news; (or :, not sure) two new awesome spokespeople are available: (or ;, not sure) us.

We are both roundish and pinkish. With some work and pizza, we can get ourselves to the precise amount of round and pink required. Or you could look at this as a chance to go in a new direction with some more human looking mascots, in which case we fit the bill almost immediately. Or we could dress up in one of those two person horse costumes. Let your imagination run wild.

Two weeks prior to us starting as the new mascots for your product we would request you send us some of your product as we have run out of soap.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Mr. Bubble during happier times

Omegle Job Search

You might get lucky:

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey.
You: hi, we're looking for a job, you hiring?
Stranger: no....
Stranger: actually yes
Stranger: i have a resturant
Stranger: that needs some good workers.
You: cool. cooks or out front.
Stranger: uhm.. both really
You: we're willing to travel
Stranger: where do u live?
You: chicago
You: where's the restaurant?
Stranger: alabama.
You: birmingham?
Stranger: yes.
You: well fantastic. we can start in 8 hours
Stranger: im sure ur kidding.
You: not entirely
You: we would need to find a place and pack
Stranger: u dont even know the resturant.
Stranger: ...
You: they're pretty much all the same
Stranger: not really....
Stranger: theres a lot of resturants in alabama.
You: what like 14?
You: is it a don pablo's?
Stranger: no..
Stranger: i never heard of itt.
You: we just thought it would be impressive if we could guess it
Stranger: are u saying that alabama is small or something?
You: it was already narrowed down to birmingham
Stranger: well its not in birmingham
Stranger: its near birmingham.
You: let's go to the tape...
You: You: birmingham? Stranger: yes.
Stranger: i know.
Stranger: i dont want u to know where the resturant is
Stranger: u could be so dangeerous man.
Stranger: best buys hiring.
Stranger: try there.
You: the one in birmingham?
Stranger: no.
You: Vestavia Hills?
Stranger: no?
Stranger: whats that?
You: a birmingham suburb
You: now it is WE that are skeptical of YOU sir
Stranger: im not a freaking SIR.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.