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Theoretical Job - College dorm/apartment smell origin finder.

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If you are a 63 year old pitcher with mechanics issues, the White Sox have a place in their rotation for you. #Jose Contreras

Cover Letter - Football Player

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to play your "football". Although we are not particlarily good at the sport we figure the world owes us something.

We were watching the European Cup and thinking, we wouldn't do this football, but we should do that football. The Super Bowl looks pretty easy to do and couldn't help but notice neither team scores many points. We would score more points than the other team each time, therefore guaranteeing victory. Why someone else hasn't thought of this we don't know but since we did we call dibs. Plus if we get injured we look forward to riding on those carts, but that won't likely happen - since there are two of us one can run with the ball while the other blocks.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

P.S. Where did those leather helmets go? Those were pretty sharp and you could see our movie star good looks (((Like Clooney in Leatherheads (Though the movie sucked, could it have been from the leather helmets?(Maybe the leather helmets aren't a good idea. Sorry.))).

P.P.S. Whatever happened to Mike Baab?

Career Advice

If you're bad at your job, you can improve by marrying someone who's good at said job. Mandy Moore, looking in your direction.

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - Mike Tyson

Quote in Question: "You have to understand, Frank Bruno would not have been champion if I had not been in prison. Oliver McCall would not have been champion if I had not been in prison. A lot of these guys would not have been champion. Michael Moorer would not have been champion. Those guys would not have been champion if I had been around. They would have had no legacy. None of those guys would have had a legacy."

-Best not to mention the fact you went to prison a half dozen times in your interview. Nuts.

Mike.

Omegle Job Search

You might get lucky...

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: Hi, we're looking for a job, are you hiring?
Stranger: no
You: Really?
Stranger: you are so humours
You: Thanks.
You: Could we use our humours for work?
Stranger: you are sack of money?
You: We wish we were a sack of money
You: we would like a sack of money
Stranger: i like money too
Stranger: humours is verygood for work
You: how can we use humours for money though?
Stranger: get on well with your boss
Stranger: humours can get it moving
You: moving in the right direction we hope
Stranger: thats ture
Stranger: maybe he will fire you
You: he hasn't even hired us yet!
Stranger: you can beg for that
You: we don't know where to start
Stranger: introduce your self
You: that's what we're trying to do
Stranger: do not be shy
Stranger: have you watched he moive <>
You: no
You: who's in it
Stranger: I dont know the actors name
You: are you in it?
Stranger: are you kidding me?
You: we don't know who you are.
Stranger: of crouse
You: you could be wilford brimley for all we know
You: are you wilford brimley?
Stranger: I dont know
You: do you like quaker oats?
You: and have diabetes?
You: but pronounce it diabeetis?
Stranger: ys
You: then you probably are wilford brimley
You: hello wilford.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Cover Letter - Mad TV Writers

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) enjoy your show almost too much. Whether it's a guy speaking with a high pitched voice, or a woman speaking with a low pitched voice, the hilarity never ceases. We would like to get in on the fun as writers. We offer these ideas to get the ball rolling.

Chimpanzee Esquire - Monkey Lawyer
The Honorable Rufus - Dog Judge
Officer Gas - The policeman who arrests people with his farts.
Man Baby - Older guy pretending to be a baby
Man Toddler - Older guy pretending to be a kindergartner
Man Teenager - Same as the movie "17 Again" or "Big" or "Vice Versa" or "Freaky Friday"
Man Man - Musical act

And don't think we don't have some slightly irrelavent parodies up our sleeves:

• The Curious Case of Benjamin Butt-tron - A reverse aging robot shaped like a rump.
• Suddenly Cruisen - Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields switch places.
• Adoptin' Ain't (a) Peach - Madonna be tryin to get them kids!
• Fro Jay Simpson - OJ Simpson tending to his afro.
• The Curious Case of Elian Gonzales - Remember that kid? What if he aged backwards?
• Jay Leno impressions

If that's not enough to insatiably whet your appetite, read the following part in a high pitched british accent.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Advice

Unemployment can be a great time to catch up on reading - if you're a nerd.

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Theoretical Great Job - Inventor/tester of new ice cream floats.

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Were you a communications major? If so get used to playing the lottery.

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Theoretical great job - Chuck E Cheese ball pit tester

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If you can stand in the middle of an intersection and yell at people for crossing when the light says walk, Chicago TMA is for you!

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - Mike Tyson

Quote in Question: "All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too."

The interviewer didn't like this much (despite being named Greenberg, go figure). I didn't even say I would beat Jesus. But if he cut in line at Quizzno's or something, I'm just sayin' a guy has to defend his honor, son of God or not.

Yours,
Mike

Cover Letter - Joke Writers for MTV Awards

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) think we could write some pretty good jokes for one of your awards shows. Here is a sample of our work.

Joe: "Did you hear the one about Green Day"
Dan: "No"
Joe: "It's like every other Green Day joke I've told, except I told it more recently, and am older when I tell it."

Anything else will cost you.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli