Cover Letter - Bartender

Dear bar,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) drink a lot. Like now, for example. Now meaning while we write this, not while you read this (but that's probably a safe bet too). The more we drink, the more we are convinced we could pretty much be the greatest bartenders in the world. And the most attractive. We had a brief stint in juggling (ended due to severe trauma involving a knife routine we weren't quite prepared for), which would lend itself to the flippy bottle tricks Tom Cruise used in one of those movies where his outrageous amount of gayness is so thinly veiled.

Recently we toured what we thought was a brewery. Actually it was just a candy factory (again), but we still really liked it. Did you know that root beer barrels won't get you drunk? 17 cavities later and we just figured that out.

We have been to 5 Milwaukee Brewers games. Albeit only one was at County Stadium or Miller Park. Who would want to go to Wisconsin?

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

In a Related Item

This guy

Ideally

KFed will claim Jamie Lynn's kid is his. KFed, JL, and her BF will go on Maury Povich. When Maury proclaims, "KFed, you ARE the father!" he will jump up on his chair and shout "POPOZAO!"

Every time I imagine this scenario I have a physical, giddy reaction.

Favorite Movies of 2007

Superbad

Favorite Songs of 2007

There was a winner, but here are the best of the rest

• The Magic Position - Patrick Wolf





• When I Say Go - The 1900s



(video is for a diff song)






• No Cars Go - Arcade Fire





• Phantom Limb - The Shins





• Can't Tell Me Nothin - Kanye West





• 1 2 3 4 - Feist





• Flathead - The Fratellis





• International Player's Anthem - UGK





• Is There a Ghost - Band of Horses





• Smokers Outside Hospital Doors - Editors





• Top Back (Remix) - Lil Wayne





• Bros - Panda Bear





• Throw Some D's (Remix) - Rich Boy





• Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me - The Pipettes

Winner:

• Boyz - M.I.A.

Get Organized!

A good way to organize your thoughts and tasks while on a job search is to make a list of tasks to do and cross them off when you complete them. For example, here is a list we compiled for our last job search.

update portfolio
complete resume
clean up work space
back up computer hard drive
knock out real world vegas marathon
get suit cleaned

Interview Tip

We're often asked how much one should drink before an interview. Our general rule of thumb is if you can just barely pass a field sobriety test, you will be relaxed enough to not only ace your interview, but get there safely.

Cover Letter - Songwriter for Fergie

Dear Fergie,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) a-r to the e p-r-e-t-t to the y s-u-r to the e w to the e c-a to the n d to the o b-e-t-t-e to the r.

(Sing to the tune of Glamourous)
Hire us, hire us hire us, hire us, hire us hire us, hire us, hire us hire us, hire us, hire us hire us.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

A Christmas Video

The result of cabin fever.

Yuletide Vocab

There are certain words that you hear around Christmas that you don't hear any other time of year. Hark, the herald angels sing; Lo, the angel Gabriel appeared to Joseph. I guess that's why we don't get a lot of new Christmas carols*, as the modern equivalent of Hark would be Yo, and Lo would be Booya.

*Except for Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC

Learn From my Interviewing Gaffes - By Mike Tyson

"I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"

In general, you do not want to threaten the lives of your co-workers children. Plus the implied cannibalism made me seem a smidge odd, I fear. I should have said, "I want to eat with his children, at Fuddruckers!"

Also, try not to bring up religion too much at work.

Later,

Mike :)

Interview Tip

Should you ever fight an interviewer? If he looks at you funny, yes. If he doesn't, it's your call.

Cover Letter - Karate Instructor

Dear Dojo,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) saw karate kid the other day in HD, so we got a really good look at the moves. That's why we think we would make great karate instructors. Our qualifications are not confined to television viewing (although we have seen Surf Ninjas, Sidekicks, and Karate Kid II and III as well as the one with that chick who ended up playing a dude who wanted to be a chick or vice versa).

First, check out this sweet combo move: A, B, B, A, C, B, B, A. That doozy allowed us to beat Shang-Tsung on only our 6th try. Take that Bruce Lee.

Maybe a more impressive show of our superior karateness is that we can jump, kick, and yell all at the same time, with a very low injury rate. Don't be fooled by the cast we have on our foot, that was from slip-n-slide. Do not terminate your slip-n-slide into an oak tree. Doesn't that sound like it could have come from a fortune cookie? Our sage wisdom would make us like a young, hunky Mr. Miyagi. Pretty swell, eh?

Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli-san
Joseph R. Signorelli-san

Long Shot

Kosuke Fukudome recently announced he is leaving Japanese baseball to play in the Majors. Heres to wishing him all the best, and to hoping someone names an indoor stadium after the guy.

Learn From my Interviewing Gaffes - By Mike Tyson

“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles"

Oopsy. Try to avoid threatening a family member of your potential employer (especially offspring).Also, mentioning private parts in an interview is generally bad form.

Toodles,

Iron Mike

Interview Tip

Try to swear less than 3 times per interview. Impossible you say? Try doing things like saying d-bag instead of douchebag. You'll be surprised at the response!

Dude Didn't Even Get His Degree

At the deli today:
Large woman requesting a drink: "Pibb me, girl".

Cover Letter - Teen Idols

Dear People,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) read your magazine on occasion. Not in public however, as we don’t want to seem femme. Every time we read it, we notice that the only “people” featured are famous. Non-famous “people” are “people” too. We feel that this is discriminatory. So to right this wrong we will let you feature us in an article (a cover story would be preferred). The cover could say, “Daniel L. Signorelli and Joseph R. Signorelli are two guys who don’t smell particularly bad”. This is not only a good title, but is true! (Both of us use soap semi-regularly). I’m not sure how one could convey non-smelliness in print, but the absence of those cartoon stink lines would be a good start. After that you’re on your own.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

BeerTub Girls

"Thanks for the beer. Nice abs. Heres a dollar."
I bet they didnt get read to a lot. Or hugged.

Return of the Mac

Recently a McDonalds had been demolished in Champlin. In its place they decided to put a McDonalds. But this one is different. Its like the McDonalds of the future, a future where we still havent realized how bad this crap is for us. Like a moth to the flame, I was drawn in on opening night by those big searchlights normally reserved for skin bars. Thinking there must be at least some sort of free ice cream deal, I decided to venture a look. I must say, I was impressed by everything but the people involved. While the cashier attempted to find the correct buttons, ketchup, barbecue sauce, coins, and add/subtract, I was mesmerized by the architecture and decor. This McDs came with a HD flat panel TV playing Ratatouille, lounge seats, 21st century interior design, and one of those neato $1 DVD rental machines featuring a vast array of *** out of **** films (the movies that will never win an academy award, but which the general public will describe as "pretty good"). In the end I was enormously disappointed by the lack of any kind of give-away, but felt I couldnt leave without at least getting something. Deciding to fully negate my preceding workout, I went with the #7 (chicken BLT). It was pretty good.