Work Clothes

I'm thinking about taking a few inches off of my scrub pantlegs. "Scrupris." (copyright 2007, Dan Signorelli, all rights reserved) Chalk up another million-dollar idea for this guy.

While David Letterman has chosen to not only be an outspoken advocate in favor of the writers while they strike (ITEM 6: BIGGER ERASERS FOR MECHANICAL PENCILS!), Carson Daly has decided to start taping new shows. I cannot wait to see what this guy comes up with on his own. Not that I'm actually going to watch and find out...

Cover Letter - Politician

Dear Mr. Government,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have noticed that lately it seems you have gotten yourself into a bit of a pickle. The country appears to have divided itself in two! These two factions (my poli sci prof calls them “democrats” and “republicans”) seem to disagree over almost everything! We are certain that when future generations look back on this, it will be a cute little quirk that we of the 21st century had. However, we believe we may have a solution: Us. First of all, note that “us” is spelled U-S, or U.S., which could mean United States. Already you can see how we are fit for the job. The job we are talking about is of course is rulers (and we don’t mean measuring sticks! Ha! Ha! Ha!). My brother and I would assume the responsibility of making the decisions in this country from now on. We are two pretty good-looking and reasonable guys, so we don’t foresee any disagreements (except about whether to get the “gold” car wash or not. See, I think paying the extra two bucks is worth it for the undercarriage wash, while my brother would rather pocket the two dollars and spend it on pogs and root beer. Not that I don’t like pogs and root beer (who doesn’t!)), which makes us fit to rule. People we don’t even know tell us all the time, “You guys: Rule!” Obviously this is something the American public wants. We think they have had enough of Dicks and Bushes and Colins. Our previous leadership positions include head-of the-lunch-table, king-of-the-hill, and first in line for tickets to Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Daniel L. Signorelli

Joseph R. Signorelli

Complaint Letter - China

Dear China,
Your eating utensils are misnamed. Please rename "chopsticks" to "pinchingrods" as they do not chop and are not always wood. Please revise.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Complaint Letter - Outburst

Dear Outburst,
While we find your game amusing, "Sudden Susan" is NOT an acceptable TV show name with a woman's name in the title. Please revise and send us a new card.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Cover Letter - Family Circus

Hello,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) both love "Family Circus"! In fact we write volumes of Jeffy fan fiction. Do you have a job for us? We would like to volunteer our ghost writing services. We understand this maybe taboo in the cartooning biz, but since there are two of us, we cancel each other out, though maintain twice the hilarity. Our therapist loves our fan fiction entitled "Jeffy Reffy Ding-Dong!”. In our strip, Jeffy encounters a time machine on one of his hilarious gallivants about the neighborhood. He then gets into all sorts of hijinx throughout time, especially the mid-eighties. Can you imagine Jeffy somehow getting mixed up in the overthrow of Pinochet? We can, and it is rib-tickling. Jeffy would refer to the despot dictator as “Pinocchio” and claim he killed three billion people and that’s bad. We will end this letter due to the fact that last part was so funny we spit wild cherry Shasta all over our keyboard.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

PS Do you know how to get wild cherry Shasta out of a keyboard?

Cover Letter - Topps Baseball Cards

Topps Baseball Cards

Hello,
My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) both enjoy your baseball cards. Recently a trend has emerged that has slowed the rate at which we buy your product. There are fewer baseball cards that feature mustached players. We collect cards of players with moustaches (Ken Phelps, Ken Schrom, Jeff Reboulet, et al) and we think you need to either get players to grow moustaches, or more prominently feature bemustached players. No goatees! If you address this problem then you will once again be "Topps" in our hearts, as opposed to "Bottomms" in our bottoms. Since we are the foremost experts on players with boss upper lip hair, maybe we could be some sort of consultants to make sure that the mustaches you photograph are truly “Goulet-esque”.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

The Color Man

"That ball was like ninety feet off the ground and fifty-five yards into the air."
Do football announcers ever get tired of being wrong or sounding stupid? It would appear not.

Kids are, for the most part, dumb anyway

Apparantly the toy aquadots contain the date rape ghb, which causes memory loss. But does anyone really remember their early childhood? Can you detail any episode of Sesame Street you watched? Here's my thesis statement "Date rape drugs in young children - who cares?"

Cover Letter - Twins

Minnesota Twins

Hello,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) are both Minnesota natives and have recently become aware of the position available in center field on your baseball team. Although Torii Hunter is a good center fielder, we feel that as two people, we could cover more ground. Also, since my brother bats right handed and I bat left, we are a switch hitter. Between the two of us, we have 26 years of baseball experience, and we understand that Denard Span is only 22. We'll let that last sentence sink in for a moment.





Please contact us soon, as our obligations as students will need to be put on hold in order to attend spring training. Since we are students at large universities, and will be in Florida during the spring, you may find it convenient during Spring Break that we have hook-ups on some wicked awesome fake IDs (Joe Mauer, looking in your direction).

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

P.S. What is Boof Bonser's real name? We think it is Ricky.

Cover Letter - Sony

SONY MUSIC

Dear Mr. Sony:

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have noticed that music sucks these days, with the exception of Outkast and Christmas carols. Imagine our trouble finding a decent radio station! We have a suggestion to temper that suckiness: Us. Along with our singing abilities, we can also whistle and hum, making us a triple threat. Note that since there are two of us, we can do two of these three things at the same time. Three times two is six. This would be impossible with an artist such as Britney Spears or Neil Sedaka. While we realize that you now have the technology to record Ms. Spears or Mr. Sedaka whistling, singing, or humming solo, then combining that with a track recorded at another time of them whistling, singing, or humming solo again, you could create that same effect. However, we eliminate that need for a middleman. Also, do you know anyone that can sing, whistle, or hum? That way we could do all three at once. Three times three is nine. Do you know any good restaurants in New York? I might be going there soon. Keep in mind I am allergic to lactose!

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli (DJ Zone Doubt)
Joseph R. Signorelli (MC Zippy)

Spring Training ...get it...*cough*

I was getting off the brown line train at the Madison stop, downtown chicago, and an older woman was getting off the train the same time as me. Right before she got off the train she said, to no one in particular, "I'm goin' to TJ Maxx y'all"!

It has influenced me to announce stuff I do, no matter how inane. On that note, I'm going to eat another starburst y'all.

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