Response to Cover Letter - Depends

Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Sometimes the job you apply for has already been "filled" (That's a pun because one fills a Depends with poo and pee).


Subject: Unfrequently Asked Question

Dear Joe And Dan,

Thanks for your e-mail to Kimberly-Clark.

Your may be interested to know we have introduced colored DEPEND® underwear for men and women. The four new variety packs include six colored and printed underwear in one package: solid and striped patterns for men; pastel solids and floral for women. The packaging has a transparent product window resembling a multi-pack of traditional underwear. Product design in terms of absorbent placement, leg shape, improved waistband, etc. is all the same. The new printed color is the only difference vs. current DEPEND underwear. It is available in two sizes for Women - Small/Medium and Large - both Extra Absorbency and in two sizes for Men - Small/Medium and Large/XL - Super Plus Absorbency.

Thank you again for sharing your comments with us.


Tracy
Consumer Services, Kimberly-Clark Corp.
Lead the world in essentials for a better life.

Response to Cover Letter - Karate Instructors

Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Sometimes people have you pegged ahead of time. James xxxx to me:

Are you high?

Response to Cover Letter - Mr. Bubble

Should you not get a job you applied for, don't worry. Sometimes you get free stuff!

Just for taking the time to send that enthusiastic email, I'd be happy to send you two some free Mr. Bubble t-shirts. What sizes would you need and where would you like them sent?

Best Regards,

Jenna xxxxxx

Be sure to properly thank them however.

Dear Jenna,

 

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) thank you for your generous offer.  This way we won't have to become Mr. Bubbles through dangerous eating habits and dangerous pigment augmentation procedures.  We can just wear the shirts!

 

We would like an L (which stands for Large) and an M (which stands for Medium.  Not the television show mind you, but the somewhat abstract unit of measure.)

 

If anyone asks about our shirts, we will read them our 15 minute speech we have prepared in case we actually do become the next Mr. Bubble.  We feel this is a great start.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Cover Letter - Scientists

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) are into beakers and all that shit. So we should be scientists. We can perform experiments where we bunsen burn things, all the while making sure to wear our protective goggles. Was Kurt Rambis a scientist too?

Do you need something examined at 5x the size? Well guess what, it's already on a glass slide (with slide cover applied ever so gently) and being examined at 10x. That's twice as much detail as you had hoped for. What up.

Gregor Mendel. Gene splicing. RNA. The Scientific Method. Polarization. Acids/Bases. These are all examples of things we have heard of. Want more? Jonas Salk, Fruit flies with red eyes. Bam.

We will not dissect gross stuff however.

Our first order of business will be to grow a Pea Tree in a petri dish. Think of the wordplay!

Sincerely,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Learn from my Interview Mistakes: ODB

Quote in Question: "There's no more ODB no more. No, there's no more Osiris, that's all lies. From now on, my name is Big Baby Jesus.

First, let's just get past the bad grammar (ish). The main problem is all of the name changes! I am constantly having to update my resume, then make the long haul down to Kinko's to get new ones printed out. Not to mention when I get calls regarding jobs I interviewed for as Osiris, I have to explain to some lady named Madge, who's probably wearing a sweater with a picture of her cat on it, that my name is now something other than that.

Plus the whole Jesus thing.

CUL8R ALIG8R,

odb, o, bbj