Cover Letter - SuperSpy

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) just got done watching Jason Bourne stick it to those CIA jerks again. We were hoping to become one of those jerks. Check out our qualifications and try not to have a top secret operation in your pants.

Things we are good at:
Running on top of moving trains
Swinging from ropes with knives in our mouths
Synchronizing watches
Romancing Eastern Bloc women
Hanging on to the roof of a moving car, as well as able to drive one handed while getting someone off the roof of our car
Spitting in peoples' faces as opposed to giving up the location of the microfilm
Can fly harrier jets/all helicopters
Know how to wear a wetsuit under a tuxedo
Fire a harpoon gun in a pinch
Jump out of a second story window onto the back of a horse
Own poison dart cufflinks
Hanging off tall building roofs with one hand so we don’t drop our gun/religious artifact
Spying
Listening to conversations from really far away
Drive backwards
Entering an airplane from the wing
Skydiving/bungee jumping sans the proper equipment
Holding our breath underwater
Shooting people who have big guns with small guns
Using Spy-Tech toys to see what our neighbors are watching on TV
Creating exploding messages

To get in touch with us, just TURN AROUND.








Sorry, we waited as long as we could, but were getting hungry. The effect would have been pretty boss though, don't you think?

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Cover Letter - Depends

Dear Depends,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) think we could design a better adult diaper. We've noticed that they're all a similar size and absorbancy (not that we wear them). Now this is okay for babies, since they eat the same thing all the time, but what happens when it's taco night at the retirement home?

We would base our adult diaper line on what meal one has eaten that day. Think about it. If we someone else were to go out for a light salad at lunch, a comfortable cloth poo catcher would probably do. But should we that same person hit the indian buffet in uptown, one would probably want a minimum 10 mil visqueen liner in their doody recepticle.

And what are the fashion options? To answer our own question, none. The closest thing to a fun and flirty print you can get is teddy bears on the baby diapers (thank god we live close to wisconsin where the babies are fat enough we can fit their diapers). Why no colored or patterend adult diapers? We know we would be more inclined to poop into something that has a picture of one of the stars of Gossip Girl on them, or even a nice plaid.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Cover Letter - Entertainment Reporter

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) enjoy celebrities more than regular people. These glitteratti (note we know the word 'glitteratti') look and smell better than common people, do charity work to help especially common people, and can move objects with their minds.

We would like to spend more time with famous people, and although we think it's nice to hire special needs children, we could do a much better job than Billy Bush. Here is a list of celebrities we have interacted with:

Vince Vaughn (in a bar)

Black guy from reno 911 (in a bar)

Shakira (the bushes outside her home)

Quddus (fist to face)

Ron Coomer (on an airplane (you don't know who Ron Coomer is? Really? (He was and All Star for the Twins in 1999)))

Here's an example of our red carpet reporting:
BRITNEY!BRITNEY!BRITNEY!BRITNEY!BRITNEY!
oh wait
ANGELINA!ANGELINA!ANGELINA!ANGELINA!
oh wait
JEN!JENNIFER!JENJENJENJEN!
Hi, who are you wearing?

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Daniel L. Signorelli

Joseph R. Signorelli

Just a Matter of Opinion, But I Wish You Were There

This is a Tribute.

I had never seen a tribute band until tonight. I had seen my share of covers, even cover bands. Friends in high school and so forth. Not tonight. This was something different. Tonight at Ballydoyle's, an Irish pub in Downers Grove, a U2 tribute band rocked the house. I met some enthusiastic female PA students there, one of whom was celebrating her birthday.

Fake U2 blew up. Shredding such hits they didnt record as Sunday Bloody Sunday and Where the Streets Have No Name, the ladies were fully into the act. And act they did. Bono seemed larger than life on stage, until I saw the enormous lifts on his tennis shoes. Take a lesson from Prince, and just go with high heels. We were convinced Faux-Bono was wearing a wig, but no, that turned out to be his real hair. He changed hats frequently, which I found confusing, not sure if Faux-Bono, or for this particular matter, due to the stunning accuracy, actual Bono was going to rope cattle or sell me a box of Cuban cigars.

These were grown men, who apparently believe that Halloween is celebrated 365 days a year. They have chosen to revolve their lives around music. I respect that. But somehow these guys found a way to remove all creativity from the most expressive art that mankind has been developing over our entire existence. The dress, the notes, the squeeks, the 45 degree leg kicks, all borrowed from one of history's most overrated bands.

Beautiful Day won Record of the Year. Seriously. They beat N'Sync. Look it up.

Even Fake Edge (Fedge) had his Fedge cap, which was borrowed by the birthday girl for more than the promised one song. Fedge was not pleased.

Nonetheless, good times were had. Ladies danced (I restrained, feeling awkward at the prospect of having my stress be released by some dudes playing dress-up), and forgot for a couple hours that they were weighed down by the pace of graduate school.

Hoping that at any moment, these guys might actually turn into who they want them to be.

Oh my God I understand women now.

Triple Word Score

"I was just testesing you."

Resume

The resume can be an effective tool on how to show people what you do well. Just check out ours!

Joseph R. Signorelli
a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois
Daniel L. Signorelli
a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin

1978-1982 just Joseph R. Signorelli so not much happened
1982-1995 hung out and stuff
1995-present prolific writers of Family Circus Jeffy fan fiction

(references furnished upon request)

Study Skills

Today in anatomy we learned about the boob, or as its called in Science, the 'breast.'

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - Ron Karkovice

When I go to an interview, I find it helps to wear brightly colored shirts to distract from my face.

Good Luck,

Karko

It Could Be a Cryptoquip

If I poked fun at the town where I go to school, locals might call me an "Out of Towner Downers Frowner."

Truth Behind the Magic Wiggle

My old click-wheel iPod has been a pain the last year or so. About four times Ive had to take it to the Apple Store to get it fixed due to the sad iPod icon that comes up when I turned it on. Every time I take it in, some Genius Bar guy takes it in back for 30 seconds or so and comes out with the thing working again. I would inquire each time, only to have every Genius give me another cryptic answer, one even referring the technique as a "magic wiggle." Well guess what? Today I took it in again and learned just what is the magic wiggle. This Genius leaked the information that what they are doing back there is the default reset by holding down the top and middle button on the wheel, and while the iPod is resetting, slamminmg the iPod down on a counter. This apparently unscrambles its scrambled hard drive. You can see why they dont want to do this in full view of the public, but you could have told me, Geniuses. You could have told me.

Gatorade Tiger: Red Drive

"What kind of color is red?
Red is a warning
A declaration
A color that says
I'm ready
To do what it takes.
Red is focused and driven
Because Red doesn't like
Second place.
So what kind of color is Red?
His kind
Red Drive
A crisp blend of
Cherry and citrus flavors
Inspired by Tiger
It's in Tiger Woods.
Is it in you?

Formulated for Tiger Woods"

So, am I allowed to drink it?

Text sent from Dan to Joe

"In San Fran, just saw street performer robot child fall off box. Robot father broke character."