Complaint Letter - Laffy Taffy

Dear Laffy Taffy,

Your jokes have been a little weak lately. Please make them a minimum 35% more funny. Also, the cherry is a little too tangy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Response to Complaint Letter - Toaster Strudel

Dear Mr. Signorellis:

Thank you for contacting Pillsbury. Your comments are important to us. We are committed to making a difference in the lives of our consumers. Feedback such as yours is important to the nature of our business. We appreciate your loyalty and the time you took to contact us. Please be assured that we will share your thoughts with the appropriate individuals.

Sincerely, Jeremy Xxxxx

Consumer Services

Response to Complaint Letter - Outburst

Subject: New Card Needed

Discussion Thread Response

(Charlotte)04/22/2009 04:09 PMjoe,
Thank you for keeping us on our toes by challenging one of our questions from the Outburst game.
The Outburst game to which you refer is not currently in production. Unfortunately, we are unable to research individual challenges.
We appreciate your feedback and we will share your concerns with our marketing team, should they decide to include this question in a future edition.
Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We hope you and your family will enjoy our products for many years to come.

Cover Letter - Grape Stompers

Dear Winery or France,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have large feet. And you know what they say, people with large feet can only be clowns. Well we think that this trait would also make us great grape stompers. We heard that some people wear snow shoes while stomping grapes. We feel that this is an outrage, along the lines of steroids in baseball. HIRE PEOPLE WITH NATURALLY LARGE FEET! This will make your product more respectable in most circles. We have never stomped multiple grapes at a time, but have practiced on single grapes and Arby's sauce packets. We are confident that we will be better than this lady.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - ODB

Quote in Question: "Dirt McGirt comes from Dirt McGirt Island. It’s a place that’s right off the block from the next island off of Batman Island. I can’t let you know exactly where it is––it’s a secret, you know? Wonder Woman told me not to say nothing."

-You know how when you're away from home, and when someone asks you where you're from, you just say "Chicago" even though you're from a suburb of Chicago? I should have probably done something similar here. I now get why the Coneheads would simply say they were from France.

Laters,

Dirt McG

(FYI - sometimes I go by Dirt McGirt. If Samuel Clemens can do it, so can I)

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - Mike Tyson

Quote in Question: "I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."

Be sure to stay on topic when asked a question. Somehow this ended up being my answer when I was asked about salary history.

- Mike :)

Cover Letter - Echo Guy for Cypress Hill

Dear B-Real,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to take Sen-Dog's place as echo guy for Cypress Hill (CYPRESS HILL!!). While we appreciate Sen keeping us on top of such topics as when the sh** is currently or about to go down, we feel that since we are two people, we can make a more realistic echo effect (effect! EFFECT!). See how much better that is?

Let us know if you would like to see our rappin resume (resume, RESUME!)

Thank you for your time and consideration (consideration! CONSIDERATION!).
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Learn From My Interview Mistakes: Rickey Henderson

Quote in Question: “This is Rickey calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants to play baseball.”

Be assertive, a prospective employer will be impressed. And Rickey's habit of speaking in the third person makes it sound like Rickey has a secretary named Rickey, making Rickey seem classy.

-Rickey

Complaint Letter - AMC

Dear "American Movie Classics",

Tonight you are showing Quigley Down Under which is
a) Australian
b) Not Classic
Please update your name on my satellite guide to "Australian Movie Crap" or something similar.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Learn From My Interview Mistakes: Mike Tyson

Quote in Question: "I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."


-In today's modern workplace, a woman may very well be your equal or even your boss. So you should address them as your equal, which surprisingly (to me) does not include invitations to fornicate.

Live and Learn,
Iron Mike

Cover Letter - Highlights Magazine

Dear Highlights,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have enjoyed your magazine well into our late twenties. Be it the hidden pictures, "Ask Arizona", or crafts and science sections, we couldn't be more down. We mean we are all in. Exept for one little thing, "Goofus and Gallant".

Why must you glorify Goofus's behavior in your magazine? We feel he is one step away from Johnny Knoxville-esqe buffoonery. And that is not a message we want to send to our kids if they ever exist. So we propose that you change the name of the piece to "Gallant and Gallanter" and have it star us.

One panel could show one of us opening a door for and old woman. Pretty gallant right? Then the second panel could show one of us building a hurricane Katrina house with our bare hands. Gallanter. One panel shows one of us helping a lady across the street, Gallant; the next shows us striking a peace accord in the Gaza Strip, Gallanter. One panel shows one of us washing the dishes, Gallant; the next shows one of us off-loading passengers from a speeding bus rigged with a bomb, Gallanter. The message is much much stronger.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Complaint Letter - Cadbury Creme Eggs

Dear Cadbury,

Your creme eggs are noticeably smaller than we remember. Please revise and send us new ones as we are still hungry.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli