Cover Letter - Librarian

Dear Fellow Nebbish Bookworm,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to be librarians. While we don't particularily enjoy books, we wear glasses and that seems to be the main criteria. And not only do we wear glasses, we can peer over the top of them in such a way that would make the most horseplayish youngsters stop playing horse. In addition to our glasses over-peering skills, we can both alternately say "shush" and "shhh" to people depending on what the case may warrant (in an emergency we are fully prepared to deploy a "pipe down!"). If we need to get someone's attention we can "pssst" with the best of them.

We are long time veterans of libraries, as we cut our teeth on the microfiche machine (seriously - don't stick your head in there). Here is the list of books we have read: Goodnight Moon (admittedly with some help), Mel Gibson's Biography, Kirby Puckett's biography, Us Weekly, Jeff Hostetler's Biography, The Instruction Book to the Game Rygar, and Infinate Jest.

We can alphabetize somewhat, only having to guess between L and R. And if you're wondering if we know the Dewey Decimal System, the answer is Dewey ever! We can also fit 15 grapes (green!) in our mouth which, while not entirely applicable, we feel is quite impressive and hope you do too.

See you in the book section under cool dude librarians!

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Everyday Heroes

To the person doing this.....





You're hired.

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - ODB

Quote in question: "Bitches want to f--- me when they smell my underarms!"

While the language is admittedly a little blue, this is a good testament to my remarkable charisma. So chalk this one up as just poorly worded.
CUL8R,
Osiris

Cover Letter - SuperSpy

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) just got done watching Jason Bourne stick it to those CIA jerks again. We were hoping to become one of those jerks. Check out our qualifications and try not to have a top secret operation in your pants.

Things we are good at:
Running on top of moving trains
Swinging from ropes with knives in our mouths
Synchronizing watches
Romancing Eastern Bloc women
Hanging on to the roof of a moving car, as well as able to drive one handed while getting someone off the roof of our car
Spitting in peoples' faces as opposed to giving up the location of the microfilm
Can fly harrier jets/all helicopters
Know how to wear a wetsuit under a tuxedo
Fire a harpoon gun in a pinch
Jump out of a second story window onto the back of a horse
Own poison dart cufflinks
Hanging off tall building roofs with one hand so we don’t drop our gun/religious artifact
Spying
Listening to conversations from really far away
Drive backwards
Entering an airplane from the wing
Skydiving/bungee jumping sans the proper equipment
Holding our breath underwater
Shooting people who have big guns with small guns
Using Spy-Tech toys to see what our neighbors are watching on TV
Creating exploding messages

To get in touch with us, just TURN AROUND.








Sorry, we waited as long as we could, but were getting hungry. The effect would have been pretty boss though, don't you think?

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Cover Letter - Depends

Dear Depends,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) think we could design a better adult diaper. We've noticed that they're all a similar size and absorbancy (not that we wear them). Now this is okay for babies, since they eat the same thing all the time, but what happens when it's taco night at the retirement home?

We would base our adult diaper line on what meal one has eaten that day. Think about it. If we someone else were to go out for a light salad at lunch, a comfortable cloth poo catcher would probably do. But should we that same person hit the indian buffet in uptown, one would probably want a minimum 10 mil visqueen liner in their doody recepticle.

And what are the fashion options? To answer our own question, none. The closest thing to a fun and flirty print you can get is teddy bears on the baby diapers (thank god we live close to wisconsin where the babies are fat enough we can fit their diapers). Why no colored or patterend adult diapers? We know we would be more inclined to poop into something that has a picture of one of the stars of Gossip Girl on them, or even a nice plaid.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Cover Letter - Entertainment Reporter

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) enjoy celebrities more than regular people. These glitteratti (note we know the word 'glitteratti') look and smell better than common people, do charity work to help especially common people, and can move objects with their minds.

We would like to spend more time with famous people, and although we think it's nice to hire special needs children, we could do a much better job than Billy Bush. Here is a list of celebrities we have interacted with:

Vince Vaughn (in a bar)

Black guy from reno 911 (in a bar)

Shakira (the bushes outside her home)

Quddus (fist to face)

Ron Coomer (on an airplane (you don't know who Ron Coomer is? Really? (He was and All Star for the Twins in 1999)))

Here's an example of our red carpet reporting:
BRITNEY!BRITNEY!BRITNEY!BRITNEY!BRITNEY!
oh wait
ANGELINA!ANGELINA!ANGELINA!ANGELINA!
oh wait
JEN!JENNIFER!JENJENJENJEN!
Hi, who are you wearing?

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Daniel L. Signorelli

Joseph R. Signorelli

Just a Matter of Opinion, But I Wish You Were There

This is a Tribute.

I had never seen a tribute band until tonight. I had seen my share of covers, even cover bands. Friends in high school and so forth. Not tonight. This was something different. Tonight at Ballydoyle's, an Irish pub in Downers Grove, a U2 tribute band rocked the house. I met some enthusiastic female PA students there, one of whom was celebrating her birthday.

Fake U2 blew up. Shredding such hits they didnt record as Sunday Bloody Sunday and Where the Streets Have No Name, the ladies were fully into the act. And act they did. Bono seemed larger than life on stage, until I saw the enormous lifts on his tennis shoes. Take a lesson from Prince, and just go with high heels. We were convinced Faux-Bono was wearing a wig, but no, that turned out to be his real hair. He changed hats frequently, which I found confusing, not sure if Faux-Bono, or for this particular matter, due to the stunning accuracy, actual Bono was going to rope cattle or sell me a box of Cuban cigars.

These were grown men, who apparently believe that Halloween is celebrated 365 days a year. They have chosen to revolve their lives around music. I respect that. But somehow these guys found a way to remove all creativity from the most expressive art that mankind has been developing over our entire existence. The dress, the notes, the squeeks, the 45 degree leg kicks, all borrowed from one of history's most overrated bands.

Beautiful Day won Record of the Year. Seriously. They beat N'Sync. Look it up.

Even Fake Edge (Fedge) had his Fedge cap, which was borrowed by the birthday girl for more than the promised one song. Fedge was not pleased.

Nonetheless, good times were had. Ladies danced (I restrained, feeling awkward at the prospect of having my stress be released by some dudes playing dress-up), and forgot for a couple hours that they were weighed down by the pace of graduate school.

Hoping that at any moment, these guys might actually turn into who they want them to be.

Oh my God I understand women now.

Triple Word Score

"I was just testesing you."

Resume

The resume can be an effective tool on how to show people what you do well. Just check out ours!

Joseph R. Signorelli
a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois
Daniel L. Signorelli
a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin

1978-1982 just Joseph R. Signorelli so not much happened
1982-1995 hung out and stuff
1995-present prolific writers of Family Circus Jeffy fan fiction

(references furnished upon request)

Study Skills

Today in anatomy we learned about the boob, or as its called in Science, the 'breast.'

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - Ron Karkovice

When I go to an interview, I find it helps to wear brightly colored shirts to distract from my face.

Good Luck,

Karko

It Could Be a Cryptoquip

If I poked fun at the town where I go to school, locals might call me an "Out of Towner Downers Frowner."