Learn From My Interview Mistakes: Rickey Henderson

Quote in Question: “This is Rickey calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants to play baseball.”

Be assertive, a prospective employer will be impressed. And Rickey's habit of speaking in the third person makes it sound like Rickey has a secretary named Rickey, making Rickey seem classy.

-Rickey

Complaint Letter - AMC

Dear "American Movie Classics",

Tonight you are showing Quigley Down Under which is
a) Australian
b) Not Classic
Please update your name on my satellite guide to "Australian Movie Crap" or something similar.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Learn From My Interview Mistakes: Mike Tyson

Quote in Question: "I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."


-In today's modern workplace, a woman may very well be your equal or even your boss. So you should address them as your equal, which surprisingly (to me) does not include invitations to fornicate.

Live and Learn,
Iron Mike

Cover Letter - Highlights Magazine

Dear Highlights,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) have enjoyed your magazine well into our late twenties. Be it the hidden pictures, "Ask Arizona", or crafts and science sections, we couldn't be more down. We mean we are all in. Exept for one little thing, "Goofus and Gallant".

Why must you glorify Goofus's behavior in your magazine? We feel he is one step away from Johnny Knoxville-esqe buffoonery. And that is not a message we want to send to our kids if they ever exist. So we propose that you change the name of the piece to "Gallant and Gallanter" and have it star us.

One panel could show one of us opening a door for and old woman. Pretty gallant right? Then the second panel could show one of us building a hurricane Katrina house with our bare hands. Gallanter. One panel shows one of us helping a lady across the street, Gallant; the next shows us striking a peace accord in the Gaza Strip, Gallanter. One panel shows one of us washing the dishes, Gallant; the next shows one of us off-loading passengers from a speeding bus rigged with a bomb, Gallanter. The message is much much stronger.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Complaint Letter - Cadbury Creme Eggs

Dear Cadbury,

Your creme eggs are noticeably smaller than we remember. Please revise and send us new ones as we are still hungry.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Response to Cover Letter - Adult Diaper Designers

Dear Joe and Dan,

Thank you for contacting Kimberly-Clark Corporation about your idea. We appreciate the opportunity to explain our policy for reviewing information on new opportunities.

POLICY:

Kimberly-Clark is very involved in the development and design of innovative products both internally and with external partners. Since we have our own advertising team and work with advertising agencies, we do not accept suggestions for the marketing, advertising, or promotion of our products, including suggestions related to artwork or product display, slogans, product names, or trademarks. To protect the efforts of employees and other partners with whom we are already engaged, Kimberly-Clark Corporation accepts for review only non-confidential business plans, products or technologies that are the subject of a patent or patent application, or ideas that relate to environmental subjects.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Non-confidential business plans or a copy of your complete patent can be forwarded to the address provided below.

If your idea is the subject of a patent application, please print the attached form, "Kimberly-Clark Corporation Policy for Reviewing Patent Applications," and return the signed original with a copy of your complete patent application and a copy of the relevant receipt or proof of application from the applicable Patent Office.

If your idea relates to an environmental subject, you can print the attached form, "Kimberly-Clark Corporation Policy for Reviewing Unsolicited Ideas," and return the signed original with a description, drawing, or sample of your idea. Please be aware that we cannot consider ideas that would duplicate the efforts of our manufacturing, business, and research groups who are continually working to make Kimberly-Clark's products even more environmentally friendly, such as:

* reduction or elimination of certain components (including packaging)
* a "drop-in" substitution of one material for another
* increased recycling or use of recycled materials

ADDRESS:
Kimberly-Clark Corporation
Dept: SGN
P.O. Box xxxx
Neenah, WI xxxxx-xxxx
U.S.A.

Without the appropriate documentation, your idea will not be reviewed. If the proper documentation has been provided, your material will be reviewed by our alliance and partnership team, and we will notify you of the outcome.

Thank you again for your interest in Kimberly-Clark Corporation. We appreciate your taking the time to contact us.

Ivy
Consumer Services
Kimberly-Clark Corp.
013026527A

Response to Cover Letter - Sumo Superstar

Hi Joe and Daniel,
　
Thanks for your interest. I don't know of any sumo groups in your areas. Anyway, we will keep you posted on events, and if you have any specific questions, go ahead.
　
When you speak of doing sumo for a living, please be aware that he only professional sumo in the world is in Japan. Elsewhere, there is only amateur sumo.
　
Andrew
310-XXX-XXXX
http://www.usasumo.com

Cover Letter - Librarian

Dear Fellow Nebbish Bookworm,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) would like to be librarians. While we don't particularily enjoy books, we wear glasses and that seems to be the main criteria. And not only do we wear glasses, we can peer over the top of them in such a way that would make the most horseplayish youngsters stop playing horse. In addition to our glasses over-peering skills, we can both alternately say "shush" and "shhh" to people depending on what the case may warrant (in an emergency we are fully prepared to deploy a "pipe down!"). If we need to get someone's attention we can "pssst" with the best of them.

We are long time veterans of libraries, as we cut our teeth on the microfiche machine (seriously - don't stick your head in there). Here is the list of books we have read: Goodnight Moon (admittedly with some help), Mel Gibson's Biography, Kirby Puckett's biography, Us Weekly, Jeff Hostetler's Biography, The Instruction Book to the Game Rygar, and Infinate Jest.

We can alphabetize somewhat, only having to guess between L and R. And if you're wondering if we know the Dewey Decimal System, the answer is Dewey ever! We can also fit 15 grapes (green!) in our mouth which, while not entirely applicable, we feel is quite impressive and hope you do too.

See you in the book section under cool dude librarians!

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Everyday Heroes

To the person doing this.....





You're hired.

Learn From My Interview Mistakes - ODB

Quote in question: "Bitches want to f--- me when they smell my underarms!"

While the language is admittedly a little blue, this is a good testament to my remarkable charisma. So chalk this one up as just poorly worded.
CUL8R,
Osiris

Cover Letter - SuperSpy

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) just got done watching Jason Bourne stick it to those CIA jerks again. We were hoping to become one of those jerks. Check out our qualifications and try not to have a top secret operation in your pants.

Things we are good at:
Running on top of moving trains
Swinging from ropes with knives in our mouths
Synchronizing watches
Romancing Eastern Bloc women
Hanging on to the roof of a moving car, as well as able to drive one handed while getting someone off the roof of our car
Spitting in peoples' faces as opposed to giving up the location of the microfilm
Can fly harrier jets/all helicopters
Know how to wear a wetsuit under a tuxedo
Fire a harpoon gun in a pinch
Jump out of a second story window onto the back of a horse
Own poison dart cufflinks
Hanging off tall building roofs with one hand so we don’t drop our gun/religious artifact
Spying
Listening to conversations from really far away
Drive backwards
Entering an airplane from the wing
Skydiving/bungee jumping sans the proper equipment
Holding our breath underwater
Shooting people who have big guns with small guns
Using Spy-Tech toys to see what our neighbors are watching on TV
Creating exploding messages

To get in touch with us, just TURN AROUND.








Sorry, we waited as long as we could, but were getting hungry. The effect would have been pretty boss though, don't you think?

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli

Cover Letter - Depends

Dear Depends,

My brother (a senior in genetics at U of Wisconsin) and I (a graduate student in architecture and structural engineering at U of Illinois) think we could design a better adult diaper. We've noticed that they're all a similar size and absorbancy (not that we wear them). Now this is okay for babies, since they eat the same thing all the time, but what happens when it's taco night at the retirement home?

We would base our adult diaper line on what meal one has eaten that day. Think about it. If we someone else were to go out for a light salad at lunch, a comfortable cloth poo catcher would probably do. But should we that same person hit the indian buffet in uptown, one would probably want a minimum 10 mil visqueen liner in their doody recepticle.

And what are the fashion options? To answer our own question, none. The closest thing to a fun and flirty print you can get is teddy bears on the baby diapers (thank god we live close to wisconsin where the babies are fat enough we can fit their diapers). Why no colored or patterend adult diapers? We know we would be more inclined to poop into something that has a picture of one of the stars of Gossip Girl on them, or even a nice plaid.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
Daniel L. Signorelli
Joseph R. Signorelli